the view from here

she rested in circles

2010-11-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

She thought the sky was always dark. Ominous. Brooding.

One day she realized this wasn't true. The blue just hides. Often.

Brightness, she found, beckoned her.

Hues of periwinkle and silver and incandescent pearl. Sun streams of golden orange danced on her skin. Bounced off of the crumpling asphalt.

She felt the world breathe her in. The embrace of it constrained her fight, yet gave her strength. That day, she felt as if she could do anything.

She felt like she could fly.

And there she was. Soaring. High above the world she knew. The omnious layer of black far below her. The sun beating on her new glow. She was light. Lifted. Loved. She knew the feeling wouldn't last, but for now - it was everything.

Eventually the landing came. Like a piercing thud that threatened to tear her very marrow. Ripped in two. Words and shrieks and oppression. Squeezing the life out of who she was. Or who she knew she could become.

She wouldn't think of that for now.

So she soared. Alone--but embraced. Spun in silver and gossimer. Clouds of cashmere called her name. So softly. Not quite a whisper.

Anything was possible. She nearly believed it up there.

And then she heard.

Words beckoning.

Life calling.

The heaviness of the day.

Familiarity.

The mundane.

As she landed, she thought she might die. She stopped breathing -- just for a few minutes.

Holding her breath helped the impact. Helped her survive what she hated.

And there was her life. Waiting.

She tried to remember how she felt five minutes before.

Impossible. But she remembered warm colors.

She tried to rest. But she kept running in circles. Over and over and over again.

She felt something in her pocket. A piece of cashmere.

Glimmering like only hope could.

A treasure.

They told her there would be a next time.

She didn't remember why. She just simply believed it was true.

tragic things

2010-11-01T22:10:00.001-07:00

After a long week of traveling to and from Chicago for work last week, I found myself jetlagged and asleep by 8 pm on Friday night - and subsequently, up at 6 am the next morning.

Nothing says "6 am" like a trip down the hill for coffee. And so I went.

Parked outside the mini-mart was an old Ford pickup - idling with no one inside. I had a "knock you down, bowl you over I miss my Dad" moment - right there in the parking lot. I burst into tears and didn't really know how to stop.

I collected myself and ventured into the mart. The owner of the pickup was about my Dad's age and was at the front counter purchasing cheetos and pepperoni sticks. Seriously? Two of my Dad's favorite things.

I miss my Dad. I miss my sisters. I miss my family. I could normally chalk this up to the pre-holiday chill in the air, but this year, it's something more. My Dad was in the hospital just a few weeks ago. It was very jarring to me. His health isn't great and it was truly an eye-opening moment for me.

Last week, while I was in Chicago, my Dad - who rarely calls - called. His sister has breast cancer. I haven't been able to get that one out of my brain. Results from her MRI will arrive tomorrow. My Aunt's daughter died 7 years ago from breast cancer. She was just 6 years older than me. I can't imagine what must be going through her head.

After arriving home from Chicago, my newly pregnant sister emailed us. She miscarried at 11 weeks.

Not one of these things is really about me, but it's affected me deeply. Life is so short. Too short. Health is a gift - a rare one. Family is not just important - they are life and breath wrapped up in one DNA-laden treasure. And my sisters are God's greatest gift to me. We laugh when we want to cry. We cry when we don't know what else to do. And we hold the key to a past that no one else will ever understand.

Live each breath as if it were your last and love as if your life depended on it.

she thought about things

2010-07-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

She wasn't a fan of pain. Not really, anyhow. But she migrated to it every once in a while. Like a carribean vacation. Only without the sun.

She didn't love the past. It hurt with it's knots and twists. She left it miles and miles away.

The tangled mess didn't undo itself. The knots got tighter. Cords frayed.

So she went back. With dark glasses. She thought she could unravel the largest knot.

When she first arrived, she heard deep, cavernous sounds. Echos of nothing. Birds and trees didn't live here. Just darkness. And her jagged breath with sharp edges.

She tripped. And didn't get up. She could have. But she didn't. Being crazy made her tired.

The hours stopped, so did the years. There she lay in her past. Sometimes she heard footprints. And then nothing. She was used to the sounds of nothing.

Her skin had grown thick. The sharp edges only felt like pricks.

One day, she caught a glimmer of light through the bramble. Her memory was buried. It hurt too much to look. Did she even have eyes anymore?

She heard sounds. She thought of other things.

She felt the edges begin to prick. Just a bit. She'd felt worse.

She felt warmth. Then realized that she had begun to bleed. She wasn't squeamish anymore.

Still, the choice. Remain in the darkness and bleed a long slow death. Or stand up. And live.

Her head was pounding. Her stomach lurched. She hadn't eaten in years. Sharp edges had become her sustenance. Her comfort.

Little hands. A small voice.

The bleeding stopped. She didn't want to, but she got up. Sharp edges were everywhere. Something propelled her past them.

A young life. A new future. She had to look. Had to live. Had to heal.

People stared. Her scars were deep and painful. And visible to everyone. Shame followed her. Everywhere. She felt hideous.

No one understood. Not even her family. That was the knife wound.

Still, the young life. The blonde voice. Please, just stop.

The scars hurt. She healed slowly. And badly. She bled often. But not enough to make her lie down.

She had to live. Even when her past found her. It tried to kick her down. With images. And wickedness. Songs of remembrance. It was too much.

But still, her memories came with a soft voice. Please, just stop.

Instead, she stopped. Opened her hands. Pursed her lips. And pulled it all down. Every betrayal. Every untruth. Every misunderstanding. All of it.

Voices of love. Voices of young hearts.

Survival.

Masochism.

Rejection.

Abuse.

Abandonment.

She looked it square in the face. She remembered. All of it. She couldn't love it. But she didn't make it leave. Instead, it became small.

It couldn't stand to be stared at.

Was that the trick the entire time? In the land of sharp edges.

Some didn't believe her. Or her past. She didn't care. They were her tattered pages to tear up. It was her truth.

Sometimes she involved others. And sometimes, she regretted.

Sometimes, it was the best thing she ever did.

A boy with drums brought healing once. And truth. And some new pain.

But it was necessary.

She had to look at betrayal. With her sharp teeth and malicious lies and hatred.

Yet, she came from betrayal. She had to embrace her with boundaries.

The young life. The small voice. A new smile.

New thoughts. Possibilities. Flowers instead of sharp edges.

Pain? Yes. Devastating and life-altering? No.

She needed to pay attention to the young life. She had shoulders now that could carry her. And give the small voice a microphone with big feet.

She would love it and give it something she never had.

Hope. For a future. And the promise of different days than she had known.

She still has dark glasses. The little voice doesn't like them. So she only wears them once in a while.

The little voice often shrieks at the top of her lungs. And no one yells. Her young life stares wide-eyed at everything. And knows nothing of dark things.

The young life saved her. Hugged her. Delivered her. Softened sharp edges.

And somewhere in her world, this all makes sense.

Because her past is beautiful.

A Grief Observed

2010-03-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

I just read the most beautiful piece. The story of a mom-to-be. Ripe with anticipation, love, birth songs and bursting hearts. The reality of delivering a baby with Down Syndrome wasn't part of their script. Traveling her journey of words made my heart full. Happy. Hopeful. Thoughtful.

The last 30 days have been the strangest of my life. While I didn't prepare for the birth of a baby or have Down Syndrome slice through my life, I have watched life break in half. I caught a very small, broken heart and did my best to stitch it back together. I shared tales of my own losses. My husband shared the same while his own heart ripped in two. I nursed bruises that weren't visible and wiped tears that wouldn't stop pouring. I made promises that things would get better. and that the human heart really couldn't break in half physically, even if it felt like it. I did my very best to weave something beautiful, believable and precious out of a situation that was none of those things.

Above all of that, I sought the Lord. Something I haven't done that fervently in a very long time. I didn't want to at first. I was so sad. Furious. Desperate. Annoyed.

The thing about God? He's there. Whether we acknowledge Him or not.

Almost one month has passed and I've realized a few things.

THE heart of a ten-year-old is resilient.

THREE are better than one

LOSING someone to cancer sucks today just as much as it did 12 years ago.

THE loss of a loved one is tragic-whether human or animal.

"PAT ANSWERS" don't work when death is imminent. Honesty is important

THE LORD is faithful - even when I am not.

FRIENDSHIP is an investment. I've never been more thankful for mine.

Life is fickle. Whether you're ready for it to move on or not, it simply does.

"He is my constant source of stability." Isaiah 33:6

Ladybug, we miss you, sweet kitty. Hope opened up her DSi today and was faced with reminder after reminder of your many photo sessions and how much she loved you. I don't know another cat who was so loyal - or who could rock a pink snow cap the way you did. Thank you for investing in our lives - and for allowing us to be your family. RIP, Ladybuggies. RIP.

10/96 - 2/27/10

Hope saying goodbye to her trusted companion and most loyal friend.

Our memorial to Ladybug - balloons with messages that we let loose to the heavens to meet Ladybug there.

For the love of blogging...

2010-02-15T22:15:00.001-08:00

Where has the time gone? We're 2-1/2 months into 2010 and so far, the new year has been good to our family. Highlights so far?

1. Ira Glass live at the Pantageous. If you don't catch his show on NPR/WBEZ (chicago), the podcast is worth the subscription (ie it's free!). www.thisamericanlife.com. I was inspired and moved by Ira's love for his craft - telling poignant stories. He is what good radio is all about.

2. Hope turned 10. I still can't believe it. But she did. I love that kid.

3. Elton John and Billy Joel. Three and a half hours of the biggest blast from the past. Amazing. Dinner at Ruth's Chris beforehand was amazing as well.

4. Avatar in Imax 3D. I am seriously NOT an action/adventure girl. I'm all about a chick flick, a nice latte and a foofy drink. My husband surprised our daughter and I with tickets to see Avatar on Valentine's Day. It was...amazing. Creative genius. GO. SEE. IT.

5. Surprise!!! Lee's (fill in the number) birthday is the day before Valentine's Day. I managed to pull off a small surprise party for him with a little trip to Muckleshoot for the adults. It was a fun night and I think, he enjoyed himself as well! :-)

6. Climbing Mt. Peak. Wendy has been hauling my tuckus up that steep mountain. Ten pounds are gone so far - here's to more mountain climbing!!!

Hipster Ira Glass plays show snippets, shares the elements of a good story and the craft to making people want to listen.Lee and I on his birthday. February 13th. This is the...19th birthday I have celebrated with this man. Typing that number freaks me out a bit. We've been together a very long time!One of my most favorite people. Ever. Shannon. I adore her.Lee and Danny (shannon's hubby) posing as we wait for our car at Muckleshoot.

Lee's birthday cake a'la Wendy. A 1970 Chevelle. His dream car. :)

Wendy and I after my first 2010 venture up Mt. Peak. I did a little dance and everything.

Happy February, interenets.

Haiti Response: "You Are Not Alone"

2010-01-22T13:13:00.001-08:00

important stuff. so proud to work for World Vision right now.

a year in the life

2010-01-07T20:47:00.001-08:00

I haven't felt real 'bloggy' of late. Oh, there are some goals for 2010 floating around and I'm even wrestling to "heal a wound" right now. But I don't feel like writing about it. Not yet, anyhow. So here's a trip through our 2009...through what pics are on my computer, anyhow. Happy New Year, everyone!

Hope (right) and her BFF, Hannah at their school's spring fair. Cool face painting, yes?
I cheated. This isn't from 2009. But I love this photo. Hope is brave. Mom and Hope. Before a Girl Scout event of some sort. Or a birthday party. Or both.
Black Friday shopping. Our tradition stop for breakfast after shopping from 4 to 7 am.

Hope took up skating this year. She loves it. She's fast.
Hope's traditional "Holiday Cookie Decorating Party." Madness and frosting all in one.
Pure ridiculousness.
Hope (left) and her BFF Hannah AT the Miley Cyrus concert. Party in the USA, y'all.

We fought our way through the pickters and went to the greatest show on earth. It really, really was. Awesomeness.

Backyard fun begins when the pool goes up. I spent my fair share of time here as well.

Lyssie, Hope and Lee - jumping at Ocean Shores. Cracks. Me. Up.

One of the best meals - and experiences I've had in a long time. Amazing organization.

It was "Take Your Child to Work" day. So I did.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary in July. I think this photo might be 16 years ago - BUT, it's what I have. Hello tight shorts. What was he thinking?

BAHAHAHHAHAH! To say my husband would die if he knew this were here is the understatement of the year. But he doesn't read my blog and I love this shot. Priceless.

Former neighbors visited right after Christmas. The orignal "ladies of the hood."

Ocean Shores - August 2009. FREEZING.

My sister Katie took a train trip to Cali with our pop. We aren't slummin' it. This is at the train station. Love. Her. MUCH!!!

And this is my Dad. At the train station. Showing us his ticket. He was, in a word, "EXCITED!"

Hope was a scary white faced girl for Halloween. My pick, not hers. Not sure what else to say about that. :)

One of our favorite people: Miss Danielle. And Hope, of course!

Probably my favorite person on the face of this planet: my baby sister, Katie. She likes to be called Ishmail V. Toenail, but keep that one here.

Two of the most important women in our lives pose with Hope: Auntie Karen and Auntie Sandra. Girls weekend. T'was FUN!

Silliness with my Dad and sister. Love them much. :)

Hope in the back of an Arizona police car. Transport to the airport. Long story. :)

Not sure what mile this was - but on the rock and roll half marathon trail in seattle.

Before the race began. We all look very optimistic. And were not hobbling at this point. :)

That's what I've got, folks. Happy 2010!!! :) Be well and prosper. :) Spock, out.

all things are possible

2009-12-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Hands-down. Candy canes and Christmas lights may as well be my middle name.

Seriously.

December 2009 finds me wondering how Christmas can possibly be 3 days away and where my Christmas spirit is. Is it even possible to find my 'ho-ho-ho' with so few days left? I'm not sure.

Today was my last day at work for - wait for it, wait for it - 12 days. That's right. I'm not sure I've ever been in more need of a break. Or if a break was ever more deserved. Sounds slightly puffed up, I know - but I have worked really, really hard over the past few months. At a speed that I truthfully don't want to try to keep up with.

Back to Christmas and those 3 days. I haven't gotten Christmas cards out. I tossed something together this week that I'm absolutely not sending. It's not my best graphic work, that's for sure - but we also have not one decent photo in our catalog, so to speak. The camera phone is dandy, but it's become our "go to" for photos and a good family photo it does not take.

The truth of today is this: I've spent a good portion of it feeling weepy and well, crying. It's so stupid really. There's this 8-year-old girl living within me who experienced Christmas at its heights and depths. Once upon a time, I belonged to a family who was knitted to one another. Two sets of grandparents, two parents, two sisters, a gaggle of cousins and some of the best food around. We gathered for all the holidays. No questions asked.

I'm thankful for my husband's family who close to 18 years ago, took this raggamuffin in and made me one of their own. Christmas celebrations at Lee's mama's were something to behold. God, I miss her so much.

The death of our family matriarch (lee's mama) has left such a void over the years. The lack of Jesus in the family doesn't help. But we've limped through the years and I think are finally experiencing a small version of what Christmas used to be.

I don't know why this day has left me so sad. I started out by saying that December has been rough. But what I really think is this:

Life is shorter than we can imagine. It's too short for lies and grudges and wounds. It's not long enough for grandparents to not know their grandkids. The mom of twins in Hope's class passed away in her sleep a few weeks ago at age 37. Sometimes, we don't have tomorrow to make that thing right. Or change a way, send a card or remember a birthday.

Sometimes, we just have to celebrate what we have. Happiness takes courage. At least it does for me. And I'm determined to bring some joy into the most important holiday of the year.

The birth of Jesus.

Labor of Love - Andrew Peterson - Christmas Video

2009-12-22T21:17:00.001-08:00

just remembering why we celebrate Christmas.

2009-12-08T04:45:00.000-08:00

I tend to put on a few pounds during the winter months. Lack of exercise, abundance of holiday treats, and the illusion of control that exists in my mind.

This year, I entered October, determined that this wouldn't happen. I felt like things were going okay. True, exercise hasn't been happening much, but I've been watching what goes into la hatch and THINKING about exercising a lot. My brain hurts from the process, even.

Black Friday found me in Lane Bryant, looking for a dress. Those who know me well, know that shopping is one of my least favorite things. Especially for clothes. A holiday party was around the corner and jeans and my Uggs (okay, fake Uggs) weren't going to cut it. Hope was with me and we both laid eyes on the same dress, at the same time.

"Mom, that is SO cute. You should get it." So I did. My size wasn't on the rack, so the store ordered for me and had it delivered 3 days later. Just a few days before the party. I felt good about the purchase. My jeans were fitting. And like I said, I've been watching what goes into "la hatch."

You can probably already guess how this ends.

The dress arrived. It didn't fit. I was shocked. Granted, it wasn't a very forgiving material - but the reality is, it didn't fit.

To back up 20 steps, going to a "dress up" party is not my thing at all. In fact, it's the opposite of my thing. While I did purchase a ticket to this ladies night out at the Murano, it was to help a friend who really wanted to go. This kind of night, is truly her kind of night.

The ill-fitting (okay, non-fitting) dress sent me to a bad place. I went to Lane Bryant the next day. Numerous phone calls unearthed the fact that my dress wasn't available in larger sizes.

Super.

I pulled five dresses into the fitting room with me. Gross. Too small. Horrible. Too tight. Too low. A last ditch effort found me with a black number that didn't look awful. Lane Bryant thankfully exchanged it at the "black friday price" and off I went. Two sizes greater than I normally wear.

Two. Sizes.

The evening came and went. My friend, whom we all rallied around, came down with a horrific case of the flu and couldn't go. She asked that we all go without her. I wish I had listened to my gut and bagged it. Not so much because of the dress fiasco, but because the only reason I agreed to go, was for her. And she tends to be the glue in those types of situations. The night wasn't horrible and some laughs were had.

Me and the dress? Not pretty. I don't think I have ever felt so uncomfortable in all of my days. One of the girls managed to grab 3 photos of us that evening. To say I didn't want to pose for pics is the understatement of the year. But I did it. They are floating around on facebook right now and I am horrified. Refusing to tag myself.

So what am I going to do about it? Very privately continuing to try. Yesterday, I bonded with my treadmill. I won't lie. Eighteen minutes of jogging was all I could muster. I'm about to bond with it again momentarily. If you've read any of my blogposts, the question is likely looming for you too, "How long will she stick with it this time?"

I don't have the answer to that. But I am so sick of myself I could spit.

One of my dearests friends and most favorite people comes to World Vision every Monday. I'm never there, so I rarely see her. Except for last week. I was there. So was she. She's very tall - 6'1, I think. And has gained a lot of weight over the past few years. Two babies and life struggles can do that to a girl.

I was thrilled to see my girl and SHOCKED to see how thin she was. She did the growth hormone program. And to quote her: "It was the worst 40 days of hell I have ever seen." She's on the "resting" phase. And not sure if she'll pick it up again for the next 40 days stint. What's the trick? The ads say the growth hormone, but she said it's the 500 calorie/day diet. Even with the hormone, she was starving. Crying into the night because she was SO freaking hungry.

The bigger thing it showed her is how enmeshed she is with food - and how broken she was without it.

I'm not sure what all of this means. I know that I have an addictive non-hunger-driven habit of eating what I want and overeating. And a pension to lethargy. These things combined have brought me to larger than life proportions that will not go away without exercise and diet control.

I'm so over this - but that's nothing new. I'm tired of the multiple personalities I seem to exhibit when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm all in or all out. Nothing in between.

For now, only the blogwaves will know my journey and struggle. I'm so sick of talking about exercising - why I do, why I don't, why I eat, why I overeat. For now, I'm just focusing on today. Aiming to make one good choice after another.

Last night, after a very good day, I found myself taking shots of whipped cream before bed. Disgusting, I know. It crossed my mind not to, but I did it anyhow. And THAT is the habit that needs to be broken. Last night, whipped cream. Another night, 2,000 calories of something more disruptive.

Here's to focusing on today. And asking God for help.

thankfulness on a freezing monday

2009-12-07T07:01:00.001-08:00

I really thought this list would be longer by now. Like most things, I "forget to remember." Beginning with #202...here are some gratitude nuggets for this FREEZING Monday morning.

202. the reason we celebrate Christmas (birth of Jesus)
203. stepping out of comfort zones.
204. a home to decorate
205. Christmas decorations
206. Christmas lights
207. driving home at night amid the glow of holiday lights
208. rollerskating
209. Martha Stewart
210. Christmas baking
211. doing new things
212. not taking things personally
213. being different
214. a 9-year-old's reasoning
215. a body that functions
216. a legacy left
217. striving to be better
218. frosty crisp branches on morning tree
219. hand-crocheted blankets
220. freshly cut hair
221. Uggs. at 6 am in the morning.
222. hot tea in new cups
223. knowing someone so well
224. power amidst a wind storm
225. the freshness of monday

I'd also like to ask for prayer for a family in my daughter's class. Twins - Nate and Zack. Their mama died in her sleep in Thursday. She was very young and supermom to all. It's been very sad - beyond sad. All the girls at Hope's cookie party on Saturday have been closely affected. Life is short. Live well.

Happy Monday. :)

joy finder

2009-11-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

Being raised amongst "an unhappy people" makes for lots of things. Cyncism. A critical nature. Anger. Addiction. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Mistaking love for something that isn't. Seeking out happy people - because you aren't.

The reality is, happines is temperal. It doesn't last. I was happy (thrilled, even) when my friend/neighbor brought some freshly baked, piping hot pear bread to my door. While I was 'happy' to eat the bread, the memory of my friend's thoughtfulness and her relationship with me is what joy is made of. Joy lasts. Happiness is fleeting.

In the quest to be a joy-finder, comfortable boxes have to be stepped out of and the propensity toward finding satisfaction in a moment needs to be overcome. I want the kind of joy that lives and breathes on its own. That bubbles up, overflows and consumes everyone around me.

I'm still working on it. In the meantime, here's the monday morning edition of (and addition to) "1000 Gifts."

171. Christmas music - even before Thanksgiving.

171. a growing daughter - physically, emotionally and spiritually

172. God's love. it's huge.

173. stepping outside of the comfort zone.

174. husbands who grocery shop

175. electricity.

176. autum leaves.

177. vitamin d.

178. homemade stew

179. a husband that enjoys cooking.

180. lavender vanilla. in various forms.

181. piping hot coffee.

182. hysterical laughter

183. costco.

184. remembering birthdays

185. planning a holiday

186. recognizing joyful people

187. finding patience.

188. humility.

189. seeking joy instead of momentary satisfaction.

190. the feel of a new tablet without words.

191. holding fast to believes, albeit unpopular.

192. new responsibilities and a good attitude.

193. friendships that require work - but weather the years.

194. accepting the weaknesses of others.

195. recognizing strengths at the same time

196. knowing that no 'one person' will be perfect for us.

197. genuine kindness.

198. hope's Dsi

199. planning our 'black friday' tradition.

200. allowing joy to live and breathe. even when it hurts.

201. memories. like this one.

Happy Monday. Here's to finding joy as we journey.

November Monday Gratitude

2009-11-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Not sure if it's the weather or the season, but I find myself sorely in need of some gratitude. Meaning, the need to remind myself of what I have and the blessing of breath in my lungs.

151. the honor of praying for this family, whose little boy just went home to be with Jesus last night.

152. my own little girl, who lives and breathes, and challenges and loves out loud

153. cold weather

154. fleece pajamas and cozy socks

155. one stubborn husband

156. my sister-in-law, who left her life for a week to run ours

157. saying 'yes' when my selfishness wants to say 'no'

158. moms who said 'yes' to watching my kidlet when their selfishness wanted to say 'no'

159. a collection of old photos that capture days' passed

160. a week of meetings with some of public radio's smartest people around

161. "out of the box" experiences that make the story more interesting

162. green tea candles

163. pondering forgiveness.

164. pondering anger. and the need to forgive

165. dirty clothes that live everywhere but the hamper

166. unmade beds

167. a broken heart for a family i have never met

168. laughter in unexpected places.

169. the connection facebook provides

170. a full and gentle night's sleep

An easy blog

2009-11-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging? I don’t really snack while blogging. I am usually drinking coffee. Or tea. Depending on the hour of the blog.

2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My non-spiritual answer is: my CPAP machine. It’s made sleep possible in my life. My bible would be more impressive - just being honest.

3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?Beach. Beach. Beach. Mountains if I had a cabin to drive to. Never a farm. Never. Never. Never.

4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Unloading the dishwasher with putting away folded laundry a close second.

5. Who do people say you remind them of? When I was thinner (back in the day) – the mermaid from splash. I can’t even remember her name. She dated Joe Jackson in the 80s. Hannah something?

6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam? I like to socialize – but I lean toward the life of a loner. Depends what form the socializing comes in!

7. What's your all time favorite movie? Beaches.

8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night? Probably a hit/miss on this one. Depends. I know, I know.

9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? Deep, hidden talent? I can wiggle my ears and nose. Something I want to learn? I’d love to speak another language fluently. I always say Spanish, because I took 4 years in college. But really, I’d love to speak French.

10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? Archery on the Wii.

11. What first attracted you to your spouse? He was very kind and cute.

12. What is something you love to smell? Vanilla/Lavender…downy. lotion. candle. And Light Blue by Dolce Gabanna. And the bamboo candles/spray from Pier 1.

13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I am chronically early and can be annoying about it. Meaning, annoying about needing to be early. Obsessively so. And it makes me NUTS when people are chronically late. NUTS.

14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?
Pick up a little something for Hope, buy some super cool stationary or a tasty smelling candle.

15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?I wish I were more of a silent laughter. My laugh is loud at first –then moves to a silent shake, then wheeze. It’s not pretty y’all. What makes me laugh the hardest? Anyone who is truly funny, usually. My sister, Katie usually sends me to fits of laughter. And my friend Shannon is hands-down the funniest chick I know.

16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Nordstrom.

17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? Pick up scrapbooking again.

18. Are you a big spender or frugal? If I have the dough, I’m a bit of a spender with a sprinkle of frugality.

19. Who is your favorite character of all time? Nothing is popping to mind here. Mr. Darcy?

20. Would you want to be famous?Not really. It would be cool to be a published writer – but not so much famous.

Isn't your life better for having read this? Geez. :)

2009-10-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

Friday night doesn't often find me in the land of blogosphere. Not that Friday night is often filled with a lot of hooplah. Sidenote: I totally dated myself by using the term "hooplah."

It's been a long week, y'all. Right now, my hands smell like bleach, a heater is set on high with hopes of drying a freshly shampooed carpet and my carcass is kicking back in a cushy chair in the middle of my kitchen. Ladybug the cat is perched behind my hair, intent on chewing on it. Must be some bleach residue on the edges. Chlorine and bleach. She loves them both. Explains the hairball phenom, doesn't it?

Speaking of hairballs - our family has been cat puke free for exactly one week. Oh Petsmart, your name does describe you. Smart. About pets. :)

I seem to be losing my mojo for the effort of blogging. Or maybe it's the bleachy hands, getting to the brain cells. Time to continue my list of gratitude to help "shake the stink off" on this fantabulous Friday night.

132. my new "green tea" candle.
133. cleaning
134. furniture, freshly rearranged
135. continued employment during an economic sag
136. a husband who cooks dinner on a friday night (mine)
137. grieving the death of a friendship.
138. celebrating the presence of healthy friends
139. kickboxing
140. flicker low light
141. the thoughts of donald miller
142. realizing that not everyone is going to "get me" and having that be okay
143. falling asleep to the television
144. the feel of a good book
145. the gift of words on paper
145. the ability to express thoughts through writing
146. gusty winds
147. trickling rain
148. making benvolio videos
149. having laughing fits over my own videos
150. the ability to change the direction of my story

Happy Friday, y'all. Here's hoping the carpet is dry (or dry enough) in the next 45 minuots.

:)

Nope. We haven't seen Billy Blanks. Anywhere.

2009-10-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

Does anyone remember Billy Blanks and his tae-bo kickboxing videos? I've done a few of them in my day. Worked up a sweat. Called it good.

See these red boxing gloves? We became aquainted tonight. And Billy Blanks? He was nowhere to be found.

Let me back up to share that I'm continually on a quest to find a Wednesday night workout. Hope is at Awana for two hours and I'm sick of hearing my fingers click on a keyboard at the library during that time. I've given water aerobics a try. It would be okay - if it weren't for all the water.

I located a drop-in kickboxing class just a few blocks from Awana. I coerced my friend Wendy into joining me. "It's kickboxing. You know, like Billy Blanks. Some aerobic moves, some punching and kicking the air. I think it will be good." I think I talked her into a half marathon with me in just about the same fashion.

We knew we were in trouble when the class started hauling in punching bags and hanging them from the ceiling. Followed by a classmate's question: "Did you guys bring boxing gloves?"

All we could do was laugh. Slide our hands into some pretty beat up (and unbelievable sweaty) class gloves. I had to turn off part of my brain to move forward - every germaphobic cell in my brain was firing off.

Ten minutes in, the acrobatic instructor sent us jogging around the mirrored room a few times. I knew I was toast.

Wendy and I made it about 40 minutes. Maybe 45. I can honestly say that I'm not sure I have EVER sweated so profusely. My sweat was sweating. No lie. And almost every part of my body felt like a squiggly mess.

Wendy and I howled when we got back in her car. Oh, to have video of the mess that we were. But you know what? We freaking did it. And you know what else? I'm going shock the shoes off of that instructor and go back next week. Hit the bag a little lighter. Kick a little slower. And jog when I can.

I'm also buying my own gloves. Having said that, I need to wash my hands again.

Freaking Billy Blanks. Yeesh. :)

Monday Gratitude

2009-10-19T02:33:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning with a start. It wasn't the sunshine peeking its head in that woke me, but instead, one puking cat. Oh yes. It was.

Poor Ladybug is getting old and very - "hairbally." She's a short-haired tabby, but you'd never know it after a hairball escapade. There's a telltale urping noise that this feline omits. A half-asleep stupor found me pushing said cat off of the bed before the damage was done. On the comfortor, anyhow.

Too much information for the weak of stomach, I'm sure. Since that's the perfect description of me, 2:36 am finds me at the computer. Man. Alive.

My "gratitude list" has fallen to the wayside. I am deeply ashamed. No big excuses. Life. Busy routine. Lack of blogginess in general. Lame excuses. I know this.

My Dad and sister stopped over on their way to California this weekend. They took a 22-hour train ride to Oakland, CA to visit my Aunt and a portion of "the cousins." My decision not to go came late in the planning game. It was difficult to say "no" for a gaggle of good and true reasons - scheduling, finances, work, babysitters. All true. And good. As the decline made its way into the universe, I believe I heard a large sigh of relief. Birds sang. Trees bloomed. Mice with ribbon began creating the dress for the ball. Seriously.

My sister, Katie is Dad's traveling companion on this adventure. We texted along the first 12 hours of the route. I loved seeing them, laughing and visiting with Katie and being silly at the train station made me question my decision. As the texts came, I felt slighty grieved that I wasn't able to find a way to go. Come day break, I shot her a four-word text: "How was the night?" She replied with one word: LONG.

Instead of the universe, it was me omitting the long sigh of relief. "LONG" in Katie's world translates into "a small piece of personal hell" in mine. There's not a doubt in my mind that 22 hours would have ended with neither my Dad or Katie speaking to me. It would be top any other family tale that speaks to my nerosis. "Four Days on the Rogue River with Kris" would be but a distant memory.

'Nuff said. Onto the list of gratitude, beginning with number 111.

111. My sister, Katie
112. Side-splitting, gag-inducing laughter.
113. Shared history - no matter how painful or ridiculous.
114. My Dad.
115. Listening to the still small voice that directs in difficult circumstances.
116. The continued adventure of growing up.
117. Trusting, even when it seems impossible.
118. Knowing that "it's not you" is really true.
119. Sharing Anne Lammott's writings with someone for the first time.
120. Hearing that someone loves the writings of Anne Lammott.
121. Understanding that not everyone is going to be my friend.
122. Being okay when someone "doesn't get me."
123. Changed perspective.
124. Friends that have history together.
125. Wanting to grow.
126. Not deleting someone from my facebook. Even though they deserve it.
127. Stopping myself from going to said person's facebook every day. Or ever again.
128. Praying for people who have hurt me.
129. Living outside wants and desires.
130. Cleaning up cat puke at 2:30 am from our aging cat.
131. Knowing that the weekend wasn't complete because one person was missing.
131. Both of my sisters.

Here's to a monday of gratitude. And aiming to lay my head back down at 3 am for a few more hours of rest. Be blessed. :) k

It's like this, Oprah...

2009-09-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, I was a HUGE Whitney Houston fan. I'd forgotten about it, really. Actually, after "Being Bobby Brown" - I think I blocked it out. When I heard Oprah was kicking off her new season with a two-part Whitney interview, I knew I had to be there. Or my DVR did.

With the first night of the interview under my television-belt (and the 2nd still on the DVR), a portion of the interview has been tossing around in my brain. As Jillian was verbally pummeling a 476 contestant (biggest loser) last night, I was reminded of it again. Here's a rehash of what's going through my brain.

Oprah: You and Bobby, you smoked weed and did cocaine?

Whitney (salivating, crouching close to Oprah with anticipation): Okay, Oprah, go with me. (wipes drool from sides of mouth). We carefully rolled our joints. (demonstrating with her hands) Then we laced them with cocaine (pauses. reflecting). It was our high of choice.

Now, my once-beloved Whitney is an addict. And I haven't watched part 2 to see whether or not she still does drugs. She spoke of this cocaine-laced joint with such affection. Like she was sharing the best secret with Oprah. Who I'm pretty certain, isn't a doobie-roller.

Why is this all with me? It reminded me of something. Me. Food. The way Whitney described her high is the way I would describe something delectible to someone. A food that I adore. It's been playing in my mind. Why do I feel like this about food? Why is it such a struggle to break free?

Yesterday, we took my friend (and manager) Shelly, to Red Robin for lunch. I've been drinking protein drinks for a few of my meals and eating out in our lives right now is rare. I ordered my standard BBQ chicken salad. When it came, I had flashes of Whitney, rolling through my head.

Oprah: What's your favorite thing to order at Red Robin, Kris?

Kris: (pauses, salivating): Oh Oprah, go with me. It's the most delictable salad ever. Piled high with greens, a perfectly grilled chicken breast with just the right amount of sauce. A lightly seasoned spoonful of blackbeans with warm, slightly breaded onions on top. (sighs. eyes roll back in the head). The best ranch dip is served on the side, perfect for dipping the garlic-seasoned focaccia bread. Warm focaccia bread. Oh Oprah, it's my favorite high.

Last night, as I watched the 476 pound woman try to climb a stair machine over and over. Fall. Receive screaming/berating from Jillian and then ultimately walk out of the gym, these words reverberated (from Jillian): What you have going on in your head is a story. We're not going to play into it any longer. If you don't let me help you, if you don't listen to me, if you don't make a different choice than what you've been doing, you will die. So quit if you want to."

She came back. Now, I'm nowhere near 476 pounds. But I totally understand how someone could get there. Whitney, my bbq'd chicken salad and acidic Jillian were all ringing in my head last night. In the most disturbing way.

The way I abuse food and use food is my addiction. I think addictions come in different forms. Food abuse shows up on the body. Fat. Compulsive shopping shows up in nice things and unmanageable bills. Alcoholism. Obvious. Relationships/sex. Rotating relationships, looking for the high of the romance and bailing when it fails. Porn. On and on it goes. All of them will destroy a part of us. Or so mess with our heads that we don't know which way is up. We're just looking for the next hit of food, alcohol, love, sex. I'm done talking about this addiciton to food. Done. And now, I want to be over it. Healed from it.

For today, my thankful list is going to be small.

101. reality checks.
102. the power of a new choice
103. hope. the verb.
104. biggest loser
105. whitney houston's honesty
106. bbq chicken salad
107. jillian and bob
108. the word of God that changes lifes when we allow it to
109. helping a friend
110. honesty

I. am. done.

what day is it?

2009-09-03T05:28:00.000-07:00

This could possibly be the longest week I've had in a while. I'm going to go easy on myself, considering it's the first week of school. There's a little bit of grief rolling around our home as well. Mine is over the lack of sun. If I'd only known it was disappearing permanent-style, I might have loved it more while still here.

My 9-year-old is also grieving. Her school closed due to Washington state budget cuts. Hope attended a parent-opt-in school that we loved. Apparently she REALLY loved it. Last night's grief-stricken breakdown was evidence of that. I feel so badly for her - and am letting her have her tears and heartache. Hopefully, they make their way out the door and one of these upcoming school days will be filled with glee. Her teacher is a little more hardcore than she's used to and finding her footing will likely take a while.

On that note, what better day to continue my thankful list? I missed Monday b/c of an overnight to eastern Washington. So here. we. go!

101. Beth Moore. Still one of my favorite bible teacher of all time.

102. Beth Moore "live."

103. Drive-through coffee stands.

104. Eastern Washington.

105. The drive to my sister-in-law's cabin, just 4 houses up from the cabin Lee and I spent so many weekends in with his mama.

106. Learning to make new memories in old, well-loved places.

107. Change that etches away and familiar routine.

108. 9-year-old tears.

109. Fish sandwiches made at home.

110. Glee. My new favorite show of the fall season.

111. Hiking to the bat caves with my sisters in law and daughter.

112. Watching Hope navigate the relationships with her two aunties (whom she loves much).

113. My amazingly, wonderfully flexible job.

114. My uberly-clean husband.

115. A fresh Word from God.

116. Thunder.

117. The prospect of a fresh cup of coffee with cream.

118. My threadbare Old Navy sweats.

119. Fridays off.

120. Drinking coffee by the river.

121. Humility. And oportunities to be humble.

125. Having my mind made up and having it changed by the hope in a voice.

126. Embracing Hope's new school.

Here's to a new day. Thursday is still shiny and unwrapped. Praying for Jesus' favor and that He goes before us today. To quote beth - don't let anything take a "bite out of your delight!"

some groggy monday gratitude

2009-08-24T07:49:00.001-07:00

This weekend passed by in a blur - but in the best possible way. My sister-in-law is in town and we ended up spending a good portion of the weekend with her. Hope and I on Friday and Lee, Hope and I on Saturday. We capped Saturday off with them along with some friends of theirs who are becoming friends of ours. It was a wonderfully delightful time. On that note, a few more for One Thousand Gifts.

81. Being misunderstood.

82. Whole grain apple-cinnamon english muffins.

83. Comments on my blog. yay!

84. Burt's Bees

85. http://www.zappos.com/ and fabulous customer service.

86. Lemongrass chicken (indochine). Amazing and delectable.

87. Weekends with family and friends.

88. The beauty, delicacy and difficulty of family.

89. Baking good gifts for others.

90. Blue Moon.

91. The pace of Monday morning.

92. Listening to my daughter laugh and converse with her friends.

93. Drinking coffee and checking email from the oversized chair in the living room.

94. Creating good things from recipes.

95. Watching Ladybug try to navigate her way into the oversized chair with sunbeams.

96. My handy husband and the new window he installed.

97. Flexible work schedules that allow me to have a life. Or feel like more of a Mom.

98. Contemplating Labor Day plans.

99. Clean baseboards.

100. Moms who are able to stay home with their kiddos and actually forget what day of the week it is (um, this isn't me).

One-hundred! Funny, seems like I am much further along. Yet here are 100. Grateful for every. single. one. Carrying my journal with me this week. Happy Monday!

still clicking along with 1000 gifts...

2009-08-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

I just had two beautiful opening paragraphs typed - and they disappeared. Totally adding this to my thankful list. :)

I am really jazzed about this list. My friend, Denise, is making a list as well. She shared her "thankful" journal with me at work yesterday. I think carrying the journal with her is such a smart idea, that I'm copying her. There was more than one point yesterday where I thought, "there's something for the list." When pen finally met paper last night, all of those "thankful thoughts" were gone. Old age. Or just me. :) ha!

Picking up at numbre 58...

58. Pink and yellow sunrise as I work from my desk.
59. Dee-dee and ice runs.
60. Feeling truly focused.
61. Shelly. For so many, many reasons.
62. Ice cold water that pours magically from my refrigerator.
63. Dinner, waiting for me when I get home late from work.
64. Caller ID. Yeah, I said it.
65. Humid weather.
66. Thinking of things to be thankful for.
67. Birthdays that go on for days and days.
68. Monk.
69. DVR. yes. :)
70. World News at 4 am. Seriously.
71. www.google.com/reader
72. All the blogs I subscribe to in #71.
73. Good (and Godly) managers.
74. Friendships that drift or end. The process of letting them go.
75. Healing. Emotionally. Physically.
76. My Daddy.
77. The way God made me. Bumps, warts and all.
78. Seeing my husband before he leaves for work...at 4 am.
79. Facebook.
80. Yoga stretches for my lower back.
81. Fridays. The preamble to weekends.
82. This
83. Another day with breath in my lungs.
84. Being misunderstood.
85. Learning to be cautious in friendship.

I have to admit...I'm a little surprised I'm not at 100 yet. Howevah, a day with my journal in hand might change this.

Happy Thursday. The preamble to Friday. And Fridays are ALWAYS a beautiful thing!

Sometimes it's hard to be thankful...

2009-08-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

or purposefully thinking of things to be thankful for. I'm convinced there's always something - even in the face of the most mundane or tumultuously difficult. I've been both places over the past few days. And so I pick up with #16.

16. Liz and her gifts of delictable treats (peach cobbler and homemade whip, most recently)
17. Ladybug (our cat), who lately seems to love me.
18. Strong coffee with a splash of cream - the way it smells and feels in my cup.
19. Danielle and her amazing heart.
20. My daughter's strong-will.
21. God's unexplainable unwarranted love for me.
22. Nancy Jo McFeron. The wisdom of Jesus with skin on. That's what she is.
23. Julie & Julia. TOTALLY worth seeing.
24. The pain of leaving my church home 3.5 years ago.
25. Blank greeting cards with inspiring art.
26. Ballpoint pens. Not the gel pens. Ballpoint. Please and thank you.
27. Pastor Roger Archer
28. Hope's growing pains - and growing through them myself.
29. The sound of our cat snoring.
30. Watering the lawn into dusk hours.
31. Hope's sleepy face.
32. Shannon Cline. Funniest woman I know with the grandest, biggest, most joyful heart.
33. Jesus.
34. My husband. His stubborn streak. His heart. All 18 years of him.
35. Rain that greens the lawn.
36. Hot summer sun.
37. Floating in our pool. Any pool.
38. The smell of Arizona.
39. My home. It is enough. ;0)
40. My job.
41. My car. And it's air conditioning.
42. Health care.
43. My health.
44. Watching the sun come up.
45. RV Camping.
46. Feeling safe.
47. Hope's belly laugh.
48. Lemongrass.
49. Silence.
50. Amazing writing that moves me.
51. Excellent grammar.
54. Grandma Wilson's homemade chocolate sauce.
55. My sisters. Both of 'em.
56. Laughing at Madascar 2 with Hope.
57. Knowing it's time for bed but putting tomorrow's early rise in my "forget about it" place.

Impressive? Fifty-seven out of 1,000 things of great gratitude. ;D Have you started your list?

One Thousand Gifts

2009-08-17T04:58:00.001-07:00

I've added a few blogs to my google.com/reader over the past few weeks. One of them is A Holy Experience. It's not my typical "blog read" - but the result has left me thoughtful and pondering and sometimes, downright uncomfortable. The One Thousand Gifts blog I read moments ago fits into the "uncomfortable" category. I was intrigued. Possibly prompted to make my own list.

After reading the "directions" more than once, I decided I could use some life change. A little "joy plunged into my chest cavity" that results in the inability to stop counting up God's grace in one's life. At this point, I seriouly can't even imagine.

I don't know if I'll post the continuation of my list on Mondays only - but for now, here's the beginning of my "One Thousand Gifts" list.

1. "A Holy Experience" Blog

2. Waking up at 3:45 am and feeling ready to start the day.

3. The beginning of a tooth ache and the realization that it can be fixed. Eventually.

4. Playing foursquare last night with my daughter.

5. The fan blowing in the cool night air.

6. The new beginning of a Monday

7. The peaceful flow of a Sunday

8. Advil

9. Baskin & Robbins' chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.

10. The potential of this list.

11. The quiet of my house at 5:10 am.

12. Having survived the turning of another birthday.

13. My Mom, who without fail, remembers my birthday.

14. Hope. The noun. The verb. My daughter.

15. Friendships that are true and constant.

There's my 15 for the day - workingtoward 1,000. Perched on the desk, is a "1000 Things" journal - which is really so unlike me. It's possible that ways that are "so like me" aren't always good or healthy or relationship sustaining. Here's to change. A Thousand Things. Stumbling across a blog that has shaken something loose and is currently bumping around inside. Hope floats, so I hear. One can only hope.

Start your own list. I dare you.

JK Wedding Entrance Dance

2009-07-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

i. love. this!

it's been 15 years....

2009-07-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

and I still love my fella. ;D

photo credit: hope

Advil? Check. Rock and Roll Marathon? check, check.

2009-06-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

we came. we went. we conquered. and now, we hurt. 13.1 miles? check. check.

25,000 people. booyah.

it's time for 13.1....

2009-06-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

two wakeups and we'll be there!

it's a day made for dad

2009-06-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

I tend to think most holidays (minus Easter and Christmas) are generated by the marketing cog known as Hallmark. Or Dayspring. This theory was proven on Father's Day 2009 as Hope and I shopped for cards. She kept circling back to one of those talking cards. Except this one allowed her to record her own personal message for her Daddy.

Cost? $6.99. Lee's reaction to the card? Pricless. Seriously? He loved it. For the first time in my life, I was relieved to have shelled out an insane price for paper and audio.

I called my own Dad this afternoon. He was sitting down to a roast dinner with my step-mom and her son. In keeping with my aversion to marketing cogs, I refused to partake and my Dad awoke to Father's Day cardless. And without a present.

In reality, I'm a horrible celebrator of holidays of any kind. Unless they involve my daughter. Or my husband. And even then, I'm never as planned out as I like.

On the way home from picking up my husband's favorite dinner, I caught a bit of Tavis Smiley. I'm not a frequenter of NPR, but tonight, I was. He was interviewing a 90-ish year old man that he kept referring to as "the greatest preacher on the planet." His first name was Gardner and as I type this, I remember that I meant to look up his full name on the internet.

The thing that struck me the most, was his daughter's portion of the interview. Tavis kept asking her question about the depth of her Dad's sermons. What stuck with her the most? On and on it went.

She finally just said, "You know Tavis, he was just my Daddy. I didn't understand his significance to the world until I was much, much older. Even still, I'm not sure I understand fully."

When I called my Dad, I thanked him for being my Dad. I don't think I've ever told him that. And I could tell by his reaction (a good one) that it meant something to him.

My Dad isn't grand. Or smart. He provided for his family the best he knew how. There are many things I've been embarrased about over the years. His lack of education. The scrapes he's gotten himself into - even well into his sixties. They aren't always things to be proud of. In fact, I don't know that he's proud of them.

One thing that has been constant about my Dad is who he is. He's there. He's never waivered. Never left. He sought me out when I was lost. He took me in when things were messy. And he raised me when I landed on his new family's doorstep in the most tumultuous of teen years.

I love my Dad. The smallness of him. The greatness of him. The significance of who he is.

My Dad is solid. And although we aren't close, I'm not sure how I'll manage when he's not drawing breath on this earth.

i love this face...

2009-06-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Four years ago. Time flies.

one day in may...

2009-05-31T20:08:00.001-07:00

It's been an age since the urge to blog has hit me. Not sure it's with me now, but here I am. Nice pic, eh? A self-portrait taken this weekend during a 10-mile training jaunt.

This weekend gave the gift of amazing weather. I'm still holding it tightly. Seeing the sun and blue sky completely motivates me. And by motivates, I mean, gives super powers. :)

The Rock and Roll Marathon is just a month away. A little troupe has gathered together and are attempting to train for this thing (the half). This weekend's 12-miler turned into 10 for the whole of us. We ventured out to Pt. Defiance Park's 5-mile-route. It's now my new favorite place to train. The hills are a little crazy. I won't lie (hence the 12 turning to 10). To say it was a great workout, doesn't do it justice. It was amazing.

One of the vantage points along the route. I tend to be cruising alone. Slower than the rest. But still made great time. Kept waiting for the downhill portion of the route. Note: there weren't many. The Ipod was never even fired up. The atomsphere had me completely engaged.

One of our walking peeps, taking a little break as we took a gander at the Narrows Bridge.

Overall, an amazing weekend made even brighter by seeing my dear friend Nancy - whom I haven't seen in years (but speak to and facebook with regularly)! She's doing the marathon too and did 12 miles at Pt Defiance with her friend, Anita. I also laid eyes on my sweet friend Shannon, her hubby and her adorable girls! An unexpecuted but fabulous surprise on Saturday afternoon! :)

I don't know why I'm sharing - but my hands also stained a deck and a fence (see below) on Friday evening- after a yoga class. The combination left me a little achey as the group headed out for the mileage. Sunday morning found me feeling...pretty good.

That's really it. Our family is really looking forward to the summer months - for so many reasons. A small break from the pace we keep. Conquering the half-marathon. A visit from my sister. Picking some berries. A visit or two to the waterpark. Fourth of July in Yakima. A visit to Arizona (we hope). And a camping trip to southern Oregon and a day trip down the Rogue River. Strangely, I can't wait for Hope to experience rafting on the Rogue. I think she'll love it!

Embracing June...an the sun! And ZUMBA! My new favorite workout (thanks, Danielle!). :)

possible? yes. easy? no.

2009-05-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

Don't laugh. THIS is what my heart looks like. Time for an overhaul, yes?

can a messy purse be cleaned up for good?

2009-05-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been painful. And by painful, I mean they've nearly sent me to the looney bin.

This morning, the start of weepy day number two was on its way. A little bit of emotional processing can take a girl out. I was listening to a sermon from the beginning of the year. Something about overcoming the pain of one's past. The words from the car's CD player felt like they were poking me. I wanted to hear them - because part of me is still looking for the answer. A way out. A way to be free.

The other part of me simply doesn't believe it's possible.

After two days of weepiness and protein bars, I was prime for a fix of "my drug of choice." Food.

As I waded through my purse of the moment, looking for quarters in the bottom of "the bag that never ends" - I was struck by the massive amount of garbage in this oversized black abyss I call my purse. It was a mess. And then it struck me.

I'm just like this messy purse. And by messy, I mean "God-awful-horrific mass of everything you can imagine." The mess irrirates me when I need to find something. I don't like the mess. I wish it were more organized. I might even clean it out now and again.

But the mess always ends up back with me. Burgeoning. Bellowing. If this purse could burp, I think it would. Actually, this purse would belch. It's really disgusting.

Yet, I still lug it around with me.

Somewhere back in the far reaches of my life, lies the start of the mess. In the case of the purse, it may have began innocently enough. A gum wrapper tossed in, meant to throw out later. Change that missed the pocket. Powder without a lid, wrapping itself in a film around everything else. Open lipstick containers. Empty perscription bottles. A January 2008 receipt for thai food (no joke).

I just read the confession is good for the soul, so here it is. I rarely take this "traveling can" anywhere with me. I am motified that anyone see the state of this purse. Sometimes, I feel the same way about my car.

My life isn't much different. It began innocently enough. A little neglect. Hurt feelings. A bit of abuse. My owner not taking the time to take care of me - organizing my pockets. Keeping my insides cleaned up. Give me a good dusting now and again. Filling me with things that are good for me instead of the trash they didn't want.

Eventually (with this kind of care), we become like my jacked-up purse. We learn to live life as a messy purse and its strung-out contents. Compensation makes life manageable, albeit ridiculous.
I don't want to live with my messy heart any longer. That's a true story. I also don't want to live with the messy purse- however, it still sits in my car. I threw a few receipts out. But I didn't do the overhaul.

I want to be free. I want to be a woman with a clean purse. A tidied up heart. The pain from my yesterdays need not form my tomorrows.

The kicker? Beyond asking Jesus to help me out, I'm not sure how to walk this.

Is it possible?

He is risen, He is risen indeed.

2009-04-12T12:30:00.001-07:00

Maybe I am flexible...

2009-04-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, yoga and I crossed paths for the first time. Looking for a way to stretch and become stronger, it seemed like a good option. Except for the visual I had of me as a permanent pretzel. Flexibility has never been a strong presence in my life. Physically or otherwise.

The first class was free. After a week of emails between the teacher and myself (and the promise of the first class being free), I went. With much trepidation. Truly. And a lot of prayer. While I was after the stretch and the strength, the dive into eastern mysticism wasn't part of the agenda.

The class lived up to its name: Gentle Yoga was indeed gentler than expected. And also much more difficult than I'd imagined. No unyielding pretzel poses. Nothing I wasn't able to get out of once I got into them. Sweat was part of the experience, which was a welcome surprise.

Upon leaving the class, I felt pleasantly flushed, very "worked out" and very "in touch" with the ground. A nice nap would have been the perfect touch. Ahhhhh.

The next morning, I could barely move. Yeowch.

The second gentle yoga class happened today. The class was different. Harder, I think. We struck a warrior pose. Then a warrior II pose. As sweat dripped from my brow, I tilted my ankles in, held my poses, relaxed my shoulders, tilted my pelvic core and engaged my muscles. My head hurt a little from thinking of so much at once. I have to say, as Jean (our yoga instructor) made her rounds through the class, she only readjusted my pose once. I felt like the smart kid in the class. Silly, I know.

And then, as we utilized straps, and toe tilts and back flats and blocks for a particular taxing pose, the instructor said, "Kris, you don't need the strap. You can easily grab your foot. You are really flexible." As I reached for my foot, comfortably grabbed the side of my foot, I thought, "Have I always been able to do this? Hello, Mr. Foot!" It was a proud and unexpected moment.

The class closes with some floor time and a lavender sachet of goodness on my eyes. It was wonderful and difficult and cleansing. There's no chanting and mediting in this particilar class - but when we do relaxation, I do concentrate on praying. Not humming or touching base with my inner self. :)

I'm curious to see how the limbs are feeling in the morning. We have six miles to hit in the early hours...should I try it in the warrior pose?

:) Happy Easter!

encouraged

2009-03-11T22:51:00.001-07:00

1. St. Paddy's Day 5K dash on Sunday. Me, Lee, Hope, some of our friends and a friend for Hope.

2. Dick's after the dash. I know, I know.

3. Danny and Adam lived to see another day on American Idol. Yes.

4. Hope passed off a section @ Awana and got an award. Scripture memorization is a good thing.

6. Nancy. Loved chatting with her tonight. And love that "she gets me."

7. My sister, Katie. Loved that she called me unexpectedly past her bedtime. Loved that we yacked for an hour.

8. Sex and the City. Watching a re-run right now. LOVE, love this show. Serious.

9. Cool t-shirts. Liz brought over cool shirts for the Rock and Roll 1/2 marathon. Nike + Starbucks = nice.

10. Tons of people signed up for the R&R marathon @ work today. Slightly wondering if I should participate via World Vision.

11. Forgiveness. It's possible.

12. Jesus loves me. Tons. No matter what.

:) peace, k

please pray...

2009-03-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

for little Gavin...I've been following their blog and his plight has grabbed my heart.

http://gavinowens.blogspot.com/2009/03/tuesday-update.html

just for today...

2009-03-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

Lent began last Wednesday. Ash Wednesday, to be exact.

Lent isn't something I typically pay a lot of attention to. Reminders of daily mass and Catholic traditions start swirling. Not that Catholicism is horrible. It's what I grew up with and it didn't do a lot for me or my understanding of who God is. I definitely believed in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. The rest was a sea of motion, wafers, rosary beads and confessionals. No heart in it at all.

When one of my co-workers brought Lent to the table, my initial reaction was, "Lent. Yeah, yeah. Backdoor Catholocism."

What was shared was actually awesome. And gave me pause. What would I do with the 40 days leading up to Easter? Do I really believe in the importance of this time? Or do I believe more in staying comfortable with "business as usual."

I'm wrestling SO hugely with a few things in my life right now. One has been "a companion" since childhood and the other is an area that needs healing and forgiveness. In honor of Lent and what Christ did for me on the cross, I'm going to offer those things up. One "lent day" at a time.

I'm ashamed to admit that I offered the healing and forgiveness part up right away. I've commited to pray for some folks that wreaked a little havoc on my life. Today, they've all moved on and I'm the only one in the prison cell. Crazy thing is, I have the key to get out. Forgiveness. The other area - the "longtime companion" area - I've held on to for about five days. Even if something is bad for us - or is causing damage in our lives, it's still tough to let it go. And truthfully, I can't. I've tried more than a thousand times, I'm certain.

To quote an old "AA" phrase (and no, i'm not an alcoholic), "just for today" I will not follow my heart. The heart is deceitfully wicked (Jer 17:9). I will not do what feels good or what is easy or instant. I choose to put off immediate gratification that ultimately leads to selfishness and destruction. Just for today, I will not yield to the spirit of self-indulgence. Instead, I am committing to what is right. In honor of the Lord - and only with the Lord.

Dear Jesus, I remember what you did on the cross. And for today, I choose You. I choose You.

Kris

a broken heart

2009-02-18T23:08:00.001-08:00

This little guy is breaking my heart. He and his family need some serious prayer.

I had a few quippy things to blog about, but in light of this - no quippy blogging tonight.

I just started a study on Esther. Only a few days in, so I can't wax eloquent. But the bible study teacher says this: We know God is a miracle worker. He parted the red sea. But what happens when He doesn't do it? When the red sea doesn't part?

What happens when a precious baby boy has a body that is slowly killing him?
Or when cancer comes back?
When your spouse leaves?
When a woman watches her village killed, is gang raped, contracts HIV/AIDS and is pregnant from one of the rapes?
When soldiers kidnap children at night from their village - beat them and force them to kill their families?
When you lose your 3 year old to cancers after a 2-year battle?
When the unthinkable in your life happens...then what?

Who is God then? Will your packaged answers suffice? Or will you distance yourself from the reality of life.

In this lifetime, faith is tough to come by. It's even tougher when we think we have the answers.

Truth is, answers are something we don't have. And sometimes, God simply doesn't part the red sea. The miracle isn't what we expected. It's not beautiful. It's raw. And it hurts like hell.

The one thing I do know is- this life isn't all there is. While God may not part a red sea in my life, He is working out the miracle of the ordinary. Creating the extraordinary as the vice of pain grips us.

I don't what God is going to do for little Gavin. With all of my might, I am lifting that blonde baby up to the Lord and asking for a miracle. That He would heal Gavin's body. Lord, guide the hands of the surgeons. Give the operation complete success. I know He hears that. He loves Gavin beyond measure. He's there through the gut-wrenching days.

And if he doesn't part the red sea for this little boy, I know God will rejoice and cradle this sweet baby boy. I'm still praying boldly. Believing.

And doing my level best to believe there is always crazy, unabashed hope available. Even when the miracle happens on the other side.

Lord, help us understand. And have faith that makes sense according to your Word. Not according to what we think. We love you unashamedly. And faithfully. Amen.

bolts and gates and iron and bronze...

2009-02-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling surprisingly "thrifty" of late. Spurred by the failing economy (which is no light-hearted matter), I've been bypassing the Starbucks' americano for coffee from my trusty homebrew. Gas for my car has been coming from Arco - which involves the transfer of green stuff vs the sliding of plastic. I've also been sacrificing my pension for all things organic and natural for a bit of "whatever's on sale."

I miss Whole Foods. Oh yes. I do. I also have a coffee card that is "full up" from our weekend soirees. I'm saving it for that morning that can only be fixed by driving through and receiving strong java made at the hands of someone else.

The biggest news of the moment is the Rock and Roll Marathon. We're doing the half and are registered. Lee doesn't know it yet...his registration is part of his birthday present.

I'm actually very excited. The beginning of the journey is always full of much anticipation. Our actual training schedule begins next weekend: 17 weeks of hard work. I'm hoping beyond hope, that some weight will come off my frame. I need to incorporate more cardio and core during my weekday workouts. Which actually don't exist at this time. We've been walking 4.8 miles on the weekends - and I feel good that I can hit that mileage without dying.

This weekend, one of our new marathon buddies (Wendy) is taking us up Mt Peak in Enumclaw. 1.2 miles of "straight up hill." I'm not sure why I've agreed to this. Everyone else is game. So I just said, "yes." Wendy is bringing walking sticks for Liz and I, the bigger girls of the bunch. I have to tell the internets that hiking really isn't my thing. No, it is not. I'm certain a post of hilarity and humiliation will be just around the bend. As long as I don't hurt myself...then all will be well.

Speaking of "hurt" - I'm tending to a wounded arch. Or something in that region. Last Thursday, I worked from home. The sun was peeking out and made me feel "all summery" and optimistic. I slipped on some flipflops and spent the day firmly planted in them. Come to think of it, I wore them the night prior (to Awana). Lee is always telling me, "Those things are horrible for your feet, your arches, blah, blah, blah." I will only say this because he doesn't read this blog: my husband is right. But oh, in the name of fashion. I do adore flipflops.

I've been wearing some "special tennis shoes" that I feel are bulk-meisters. My Mom passed them my way after deciding they are too wide for her (read: my feet are wide). My orthotics fit perfectly within - and so that's what I've been wearing. Morning noon and night. Around the house. As I sit in my jammies at the computer. I've also been trying to stretch my calves, which are the tightest things this side of New Jersey. I think it's all linked. oye.

My last words for this rambling blog. I'm saving my "nics" for some new summer kicks. Runner's World ran an article this summer that I took note of. They rated summer sandals. The pair I'm getting can be found here: http://www.solesandals.com/ Not sure what sassy color I'm investing in, but invest, I will. Summer and flip flops just go together. Even if I have to pay 80 smacks for them. :) Which flies in the face of my recent thriftiness...but you can't put a price on foot health. Can you? :)

This fabulous photo was taken on Saturday by Ginger. We walked 4.8 with Hope and Erica in tow. The last mile was uphill and the girls were tuckered out. The decline began like this:

...and ended like this. As someone on my facebook posting stated, "Now that's a guy secure in his mandhood." Oh, indeed he is. And, he's a good Daddy. :)

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days. Deut. 33:25

Happy trails to you! :)

this thing called weather...

2009-01-11T15:58:00.001-08:00

...has not been my friend this year. Buckets of snow. Then torrents of rain. Flooding. Road closures. Craziness.

The snow stopped about a week and a half ago. Turned to rain. Never thought I would be so thankful for the wet stuff. Until it started flooding the creek down the hill. And the river on the backside of our development. Our home was in no danger of flooding - but the roads around us? Closed. The South Prairie Creek crested its banks and took out some houses and started flowing down the Buckley/Orting Highway. I've never seen such a thing.

On the way to church this morning, Hope and I noted that the "bus shed" (down the hill) was now on the opposite (and diagonal) side of the road. Wild stuff.

"Team Buckley" headed out for a 7.5 miler yesterday. We only made it 2 miles one way. The trail was washed out (and covered with feet of water). So our 7.5 miles because 4. Followed by our SBX coffee chat. :)

My baby turns nine in just one week. I can scarcely believe it. We're celebrating with a small gathering of girls for a Hannah Montana Build-a-Bear party. And by small, I mean "the least amount of girls we are allowed to bring" (six, for the record), and by Hannah Montana I mean the bear IS a Hannah Montana bear.

My dear friend and neighbor used to have her own cake biz with her mama and has graciously offered to help me create a Hannah Montana cake. It's a purple guitar. She seems confident that we can do this. And that I won't just be watching her craft while I watch with gaping jaw. :) She's given me a list of things to gather - fondant, silver cake dust...the list goes on. I'm hoping Michael's will be my one-stop shopping friend. I'm ever-so-grateful for Ginger's willingness to help and am hoping the cake ends up looking more like she crafted it and less like I did. Meaning, THAT IT WILL ROCK. :)

A post-Christmas birthday is not all it's cracked up to be...but I think it will be fabulous.

oh bob, you slay me...

2009-01-05T21:12:00.001-08:00

Oh Bob Harper, don't act like you didn't just kick my butt this morning. Ah well, I still think you're the cutest thing ever.

Anyone watch The Biggest Loser? Is trainer Bob Harper not the most adorable drill sergeant ever? I love Jillian too. I love Bob more. :)

Today is DAY 4 of the Prism program. Not a bad day.

I began the day with Bob a'la comcast on-demand. Just 23 minutes of core cardio. Oofta. That hurts. When I got up from the chair at Hope's cheer class, I was a little stiff. Especially the quads. To quote Bob, "Quad workouts are my FAVORITE." Massachist.

Tonight, after reading two chapters of Hope's latest true animal adventures, I realized I had been lying for too long. I couldn't get up. I rolled to the floor.

It wasn't pretty. But it's a good kind of ugly. That's fosho.

I made a dinner that Lee and Hope LOVED. I was shocked. I steamed chicken breasts and shredded them. Chopped up 10 whole-wheat tortillas. Jumbled them into a large pan with some chiles. Added red enchilada sauce. Simmered. Sprinkled with cheddar cheese. It was yummy. Served with salad - prism-friendly. If I could learn to make the enchilada sauce from scratch, even more healthy. Baby steps. Baby steps. :)

And finally, to end this random blog, I'd like to post my favorite things from today.

1. Israel & New Breed: Deeper. I downloaded this album to my iPod. It is in a word: amazing. Amazing worship. Love it.

2. No snow. No more needed here. :)

3. Routines. It's good to be back in one. Although, I sure enjoyed my time off. And a few jammie days.

4. Nancy. She is prism-ing with me. Blessed my socks off today.

5. Nine years. My little one is heading for that birthday in 12 days. We're celebrating with a Hannah Montana Build-a-Bear birthday. Not very many girls coming b/c it's a true expense. She's been wanting a birthday there for years. It's nice to be able to say "yes." And give her a sweet memory.

That's it from here. :) Praising Jesus today that I have a roof over my noggin. Two legs to carry me. And a body with weight to lose. :) Amen.

What's colder than freezing?

2009-01-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

It is crazy frigid outside. Unbelievable cold.

And if you know me, then you'll recognize what a statement this is. I'm almost never cold.

Part of the reason the cold is so personal to me today? We went for a walk. Our original 7.5 mile trek on the trail was nixed due to snow and ice. The trail is covered. And unplowed. Go figure.

Our neighborhood is not without ice and snow - but it has melted a bit. So off we went. Hope and I had made it about 3/4 of a mile when she talked me into a sidewalk trail so she could walk through the snow. I obliged. And quickly found myself on my derriere. With a little road rash on my shin. It didn't start hurting until I started thawing out (a good hour-plus later).

Dropped Hope off at the mile marker and went another 2 miles on my lonesome. Listened to a very encouraging and timely message on my iPod from Puyallup Foursquare.

http://media.p4square.com/pfc/video/low/20081011.mp4

Takes a bit for the video to cue. Matters of the heart. Those times (like now) whether I'm not sure the Lord is listening, a little nugget like this comes my way and encourages me. And makes me pause and examine motive.

I'm on "day 3" of the prism-quest. I'd be lying if I told you it was easy. Or that I haven't fallen a bit. But "fallen" looks like a handful of peanuts or cheating with a few chips vs. eating an entire carton of Ben and Jerry's or baking shortbread at 2 am so I can eat it all.

What I'm seeing very clearly is what a presence food is in my life. It's not just something that helps me survive. Food is a past time for me. A hobby. And without it, I'm a little lost. I abuse the very thing that God gives us to survive. Crazy. Now the trick is replacing that "lost love" with something else. The Lord. A new habit. :) Something.

My sister suggested cross stitching...so I've been doing more of that lately. Our house is also very, very clean. And while I'm not hungry, I would love to bury myself in a bowl of something warm and buttery. But I won't.

Dear Jesus, be with me. :)

day 2...

2009-01-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

no sugar. no white flour. no processed foods.

it's been a dark day, charlie brown.

seriously. i've done alright. i will say that food has become a past time for me. a lover, if you will. and i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it. oh. but i do. but i know that i've got to overcome the addicion of it. and that is what stinks.

the program i'm doing is focused on two things: healthy eating and breaking emotional ties to foods. No chips. No crackers. No potatoes for the first 6 weeks.

A friend of mine who is doing the program as well said she had some fritos last night. Because they are made with corn and semi-prism friendly. (sidenote: are fritos fried? if so, that makes them not prism friendly at all). She had one serving. It's a violation of the Phase 1 rules - but I thought about it. Should I bend the rules too? If something is on the list, but it's still made with good stuff, should I do it?

For me, eating a serving of fritos, or having just one cookie is like letting an alcoholic have "one sip of beer." It's ridiculous.

So I said no to the frito. Of which an entire bag resides in our cupboard. And you're right. I don't have the most supportive familia in the world when it comes to diet. It's my world that needs to change, not theirs.

I've had some revelations today. Regarding eating and jonesing and my headspace. Nothing for the blogwaves...but I am seeing some things. I just don't know how to heal and overcome.

Crazy. I know it will get easier. But for now, I'll be glad when my head is on the pillow and I am asleep. :) Day 2 will be under my belt.

:)

the test of the jo-jo

2009-01-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

that's right. the test of the jo-jo.

ate a late breakfast. balanced, carb-friendly and calorie-exact. went grocery shopping right around lunch time. it's a family affair - so a friend of hope's came with. and as habit would have, lee bought a thousand pounds of jo-jo potatoes. battered, deep-friend goodness. not normally a temptation for me - but i quickly found how truly hungry i was.

i resisted the tempting of the jo-jo. actually, i ate one small one. after the troops had ravaged them all. just one.

lee decided he wanted an ice cream cone on the way out. hope stood strong with me (thank you for my girl!) - while lee and lyssie waited in line. i'm not an ice cream lover anyhow - but i was darn hungry.

note to self: don't go grocery shopping without a lunch plan in place. by the time we arrived back home, it was well after 2 pm. i calorically (sp?) balanced some nibbles and digested a little sustenance.

currently drinking herbal tea. wishing i wasn't married to the will power or gibraltar. steak and veggies on the menu for tonight.

this may end up being a three-blog day. oh Lord of the diets, deliver me.

:)

the resolution that never ends...

2009-01-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

It's probably the #1 resolution on most folks' lists. Weight loss. I think this has been my goal since I was...7? Maybe 8? Not pretty.

Last year I accomplished a personal best: I finished a half-marathon. I will say, it nearly killed me.

Not really "killed" - but the last few miles were brutal. Pieces of my soul were left on the hills (and by hills, I mean mountains) of Tacoma.

Not sure what happened to me after that. Well, I do know. And it's not meant for the blog waves. I had a personal issue (and by issue, I mean catastrophe) that came screaming to a head.

It's tough to exercise and keep one's life afloat.

Personal issue/catastrophe is still there - but not screaming right now. So what comes to mind next? Losing weight. And by weight, I mean the equivalent of a teenager.

I have two health issues that are just peeking their ugly heads to the surface. I've got to deal with them before they deal with me. Or kill me.

Surgery was also part of 2008's fun. An injury that *could* happen to anyone. If they were 60. or 80. Surgery followed along with six weeks of recovery.

A girl has a lot of time to ponder and think in six weeks. And hit bottom. And eat. And read. And eat some more.

If losing weight was as easy as just hopping on a diet, why, I'd be walking a runway somewhere (model, not airplane). In my life, that's not the case. I'm an addict. And at this point in my life, the addiction is food. Early on in life, it was alcohol. And at different points in my life, other things have been abused as well.

When I started training for the Chicago Marathon, I chronicled the journey in a blog - and am going to do it again here.

We are registering for the Rock-n-Roll Marathon (half). June 27th is the date. I would like to be in a place to jog a little of it - or to walk faster than I did for the Tacoma Half.

I've joined Overeater's Anonymous (OA)- although I don't have all of my ducks in a row with their materials. Am working on it.

Danielle and I are doing Prism together. It's the thing that worked for me five years ago - it's just hard to live that way. Part of OA is deciding what abstinence looks like. For me, abstinence has to come in the form of no white sugar, white flour or processed foods. That's my truest addiction. In alcoholic volumes. Prism is just that - removing those things from one's life. And relying on the Lord to heal and grow and sustain.

Today is Prism: Day 1. I've been working up to it this week. Not perfectly, but it's been a few days since I've had any sugar.

Reading some introspective books (When Food is Love) and trying to dig deeply into the root of my issue. I know what it is. But knowing and being free are very different things.

So that's my update for the 2nd day of 2009. :) I'm taking it one day at a time. Living in this very moment. Knowing that being thin doesn't heal all things. But hopefully the process to losing weight and being free from an addiction will heal my heart.

Happy 2009! :)

Happy New Year!!!

2009-01-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

I may come up with a verbose new year post later this week, but for now, here it is.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I completed my first half-marathon (Tacoma City Marathon). I also had repair surgery that I don't care to detail - nor do I hope has to be repaired again. :)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I completed the half marathon. That was the goal. And another "unspoken" goal that isn't meant for blogwaves, was met. My resolutions for this year:

-Drop 50 pounds
-Complete RNR 1/2 marathon in June. Possible jog some of it.
-Instilling a little more daily orgnization into my life.
-Finishing the cross stitch Christmas stocking that I've been working on longer than I care to share. :)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My friend Jeanette and Mike have a new bundle of joy...Shayne Louise. :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A friend/co-worker's husband took his life. He wasn't close to me - but she is.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mazatlan, Mexico. :)

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Less of me. More of God.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The half-marathon, for sure. July 11: the resurrection of the unspoken. :) The death of a friendship. The resurrection and healing of some old ones. Oh, and the massive snow storm of December. (ugh).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I don't know why, but this half-marathon comes up ove and over. And the unspoken would be here too.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing weight. Or not losing it, I should say.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes and yes. Injury early October. Surgery mid-November.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our acura MDX. It's a joy to use as a family. Seriously.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My crockpot. A new best friend and truly reliable and life-changing. yes.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Christians in general. A former employer. Nuff said.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Home improvement. Health care.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The half-marathon. Seeing Celine Dion with Shelly. Being in Mexico, once we had been there a few days. Our trip to AZ in August. Hope's Santa Parade experience. Seeing my sister (Katie) in September (in Portland). Oh! And going to see Journey with Lee (and Ginger/Shane).

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Gosh, I don't know. Probably Celine's "Taking Chances"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier, I think

b) thinner or fatter? the same. maybe plus 10. I just recovered from surgery tho.

c) richer or poorer? the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise post-Tacoma marathon.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? eating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Hope and I went to service on Christmas Eve at Puyallup Foursquare. T'was fabulous. Lee's family came to our digs on Christmas Day. It was really a fun and lovely time. Aided by our new Wii. I'm not sure why - but it was a very good celebration of Jesus! :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I have a few, but I'll have to say House, hands-down. I love that guy. And I do love me some Housewives of Atlanta. NeNe forever. :)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone. But a few peeps have removed themselves from my life, and that is something to process - fosho.

24. What was the best book you read?
I read quite a few books and nothing is really standing out. Wait, "Here if You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup (thank you, Shelly!). It was phenomenal. Gorgeous writing. Thoughtful take on grief. The book I read that was a big disappointment was...The Shack.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Israel Houghton and New Breed. I knew of him before, but after he led worship for us at WV's DOP, I'm a fan!

26. What did you want and get?
The saving of something "unspoken." And a little healing of my past.

27. What did you want and not get?
lose weight. (yadda yadda)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I'll start off with something impressive: During one of my recovery weekends (from surgery), I watched all three Lord of the Rings. Loved, loved, loved them. Something less impressive that I also loved: Sex and the City. I'm saying it loud and saying it proud. Please deal. :)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 40 this year. And was in the midst of a personal "unspoken" time. But my friends and neighbors came over and gave me a lovely hoorah! :) Co-workers too. :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I can't say it here. :) But the other would be...if Obama wouldn't have been elected in. I know, I know. Just don't think he's the real-deal.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Besides work out gear? Wear what fits. Hoping to change that one.

32. What kept you sane?
I would like to say the Lord - and I know he was there. But mostly, it was my sister Katie. My memory and humor creator. I love you, scoot. And a few well placed counselors. Amen and amen. You know who you are. :)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I really enjoy Kristin Armstrong. Her blog. Her writing. (ex-wife of Lance and marathoner). I guess the other would be John McCain. I was disappointed that he crumbled to the masses during his campaign (selection of Sarah Palin, imo). His kind of patrioticism is going to the wayside, I do believe.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Not so much the election (although it was there). The blind acceptance by conservative evanglicals of Sarah Palin - simply b/c she wore the title Christian. And abortion. Interesting to see so many "conservative evangelicals" voting democratic and not having Obama's stance on abortion matter much in the scheme of their vote. Pastor Roger laid it out best, I think: "it's not a judgment. it just is. life begins before conception. we believe this as Christians." For the record, I was not a big fan of Sarah, but I did vote for McCain. And I am pro-life.

Separately, the child soldier bill passing. Crumbling of Zimbabwe and mass exodus of NGO's (via government direct).

35. Who did you miss?
Lee's Mom. Always.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Myself. :) True story. And she's not new, but reconnecting with Nancy. :) Oh, and I could lump Jeanie Skeith in here. True and strong women of the Lord. :)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life. Not everyone is meant to walk closely as a friend. Sometimes, that includes family. Holding things loosely. Guarding my words and what I share more closely. And getting to know the Lord in a new way. He doesn't look like he used to. But He's still a good guy.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
My heart will go on.... (celine)

Happy New Year!!!!

a long winter's break....

2008-12-28T18:43:00.001-08:00

yes.

I'm more than thankful that I have this week off. Sad that Lee has to go back Monday-Wed. But so glad I'm off.

yes.

The snow is melting. I'm so. stinking. thankful. Jump in the air and click my heels, thankful.

yes.

Due to meltoff, Hope was able to take off on her new, motorized scooter. To say she loves it is the understatement of the year. SHE LOVES, LOVES, LOVES it. :) Her friend next door has a new motorized vespa-like scooter. So they were off!

yes. :)

Here's Hope, taking a break from kicking everyone's tush with the Wii-action. Best gift of the season. Thank you, Santa!

And here we are...in the falling snow on Christmas day. The whole fam-damily. Merry Christmas!

MVI 2424[1]

2008-12-28T14:00:00.001-08:00

Christmas makes me say Wii.....

2008-12-26T12:20:00.001-08:00

:) I am SO not a gamer. Probably the furthest thing from it. After yesterday, I believe that's all changed.

Santa brought my baby a Wii. :)

And by Santa, I mean Lee. And by baby, I mean Hope. He can be seen above, golfing.

In reality, the gift was for all of us. After 20 rounds of bowling yesterday, I could barely move this morning. Until I saw that Wii remote calling my name. I've tried all the sports except golf. Bowling is my fave. Baseball, I can get down with. Boxing almost did me in.

And we haven't even opened the other Wii games Santa brought. :)

Both of Lee's sisters and fams came to our digs yesterday. It was a Wii Christmas, that's for sure. Everyone arrived, skeptical of the Wii. And left wanting to purchase one. It's that much fun.

Hope and I always make a birthday cake of some sort (for Jesus!). This year, we did a praline pumpkin torte. It was the hit of the evening. :) Always sure-fire. So yummy.

Hope's letter to Santa just blessed my socks off. I think this will be the year we reveal "the truth." We've set it up along the way with the story of St. Nick and Santa being a friend of Jesus. This year was too hard. And too many questions. It's time. Soon, anyhow.

Besides the Wii, I'd say this is was the hit of Hope's holiday. Life-sized Hannah Montana on her bedroom wall. There's actually one more smaller one on another wall - and guitars and "hannah" stickers. Crazy. But our girl was oh-so-happy.

Merry Christmas! Now let the diet begin! :)

let it snow, let it snow...

2008-12-22T18:31:00.001-08:00

...let it snow. pooey. Not a huge fan of the snow, I must say. A day of it? I can deal. Two weeks of it? Not so much. I have been working from since last Monday, it seems. I made a break for it on Saturday - while "the gettin' was good." Glad I did. After 10 hours of snow last night, the office was closed until 10 am - and powers that be were encouraging "those that could" to work from home. So, I did.

This is a view of our digs prior to the last 10 hour round of flakes. S'insanity I say. Insanity.

Lee's commuter car (seen in drive) is not running after the cold snap. Poor thing. We've been thankful for the 4wd on two of our rides. My Honda does well in the white stuff too.

I really have nothing great to blog about. Except for my weather-related complaints. ;-( I believe I am fully-recovered from surgery (yay!). Christmas has exploded in our digs. I have the best friends in my neighborhood. Seriously.

Not sure what Christmas day will bring. Everyone is scheduled to land at our house...but the weather is literally everywhere. Blaketing everything. With no end in sight. :)

A little view of our tree. Can't see it - but red and white is the theme. :) Ho-ho-ho. :)

smiles are free

2008-12-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

Just when I think this white stuff (snow. ice.) is going to send me screaming for any sunny destination serving drinks with umbrellas, a moment of pure joy comes my way.

Hope: Mom, can you get my sewing kit?
Mom: Sure. What are you making?
Hope: It's a surprise.

(Hope then parks herself in the bonus room, watching Drake and Josh, sewing and being mysterious).

Hope: Mom, my webkinz are getting married. You're invited to the ceremony.

[mom (that's me) views a dauchsund and a cockerspaniel. Cockerspaniel is swathed with lavender fabric. Its face is covered with another fabric - Hannah Montana fabric.]

Hope: This is wiggles and megan. Megan's face is covered. She'll take off the veil after they say, "I do."

[hope cues orange webkinz cat named "Sally" to officiate. we are apparently very progressive in our pastoral views."

Hope (as Sally): Wiggles, do you take Megan in matrimony? If yes, said "I do."

Wiggles: I do.

Hope (as Pastor Sally): Megan, do you take Wiggles in holy macaroni? I mean, matrimony (gales of laughter)?

Megan: Of course!

Hope (as Pastor S): You may kiss one another!

Hope says to Mom: If this were real, their tongues would like each other.

Mom: WHAT?!?!?

Hope: Because they're dogs Mom. That's what dogs do.

Hope sings the bridal march (or whatever that is called) and carries Megan and Wiggles to their honeymoon destination: the red bean bag called Mexico. Where they promptly fell asleep. Whew! Innocence lives. :)

This scene still has me smiling from ear-t0-ear. Not sure what inspired the ceremony. But I sure got a kick and a half out of the entire thing.

As one of my facebook buddies wondered: Future wedding planner?

Hmmm. One can only hope. :)

I love being Hope's mom. :)

k

Christmas Questionnaire

2008-12-10T16:55:00.000-08:00

1. Fresh tree or fake? Fresh. Although, those prelit jobs are looking better every year.

2. Favorite ornament? It's a toss between a hand-made ornament of silly snowmen from 1994 with my name and Lee's on it or the ceramic angel ornament my mother in law gave me the same year.

3. Favorite Christmas Song" Breath of heaven. Ave Marie. Baby, It's Cold Outside.

4. Favorite TraditionPicking out a tree. I don't know that we have one. Just doing it together. Watching Lee work hard and chopping it down (smile). Bringing something warm to drink.

5. Favorite Gift Ever Received. Hmm. Lee gave me an engagement ring one year. That probably tops it. And surprising me another year with Barry Manilow tix in Vegas (my fave!).

6. Favorite Christmas Prime rib. Mashed potatoes. Gravy. My Grandma's fried green beans. ANd plenty of dessert.

7. Favorite Christmas Cookie. Butter nut roll cookies. Sugar cookies with frosting. Who am I kidding? I love them all!

8. Favorite Place To Be? With my family. :)

9. Favorite Memory? When my sisters and I were very little girls, Santa came to visit us on Christmas morning at our Mom's house. We didn't really know what to do. I knew it was our neighbor. It was the first year my Mom and Dad were divorced...and I knew my Mom was trying to surprise us. :)

10. Favorite Christmas Movie? I actually love all the holiday flicks, but my favorite is Miracle on 34th Street.

Seven things...

2008-12-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling too bloggy, so I've decided to cheat.

7 things I can do...

1. Counted Cross stitch.
2. A cartwheel. Still. Craziness, I know.
3. Wake up on time without an alarm clock. Every single day.
4. Make almost anyone laugh.
5. Draw snoopy, woodstock and the entire gang.
6. Graphic design. Although, I don't do it much lately.
7. Sing the words to just about every Barry Manilow song.

7 things I can't do...

1. Maintain an organized system for more than one week.
2. Lose weight. Sigh.
3. Go without conversation for very long.
4. Cut up, eat or cook any "meat on the bone." Except turkey. I can eat that.
5. Sing. Well, anyhow.
6. Be late. I think, it's inborne. And rules my brain.
7. Resist chocolate.

7 things I always say...

1. Seriously?
2. "I'm done!"
3. 'Sup buttercup?
4. For the love of Fred...
5. Can you please pick up after yourself?
6. Thank you, Jesus.
7. Let's move, shmoove.

7 things I always eat...

1. Rice cakes with Adam's peanut butter and fruit spread
2. Chicken in some form.
3. Mints. I don't know the brand - but they come in a circle container and are sugah free!
4. Strong coffee with cream. Technically that's not food, but it's life to me.
5. Herbal tea.
6. Too many sweets. sigh.
7. Almonds

7 things you probably don't know about me

1. I wrestle with my past almost every single day of my life.

2. I would like to be a writer. But when I say that, I don't really know what that means. I've had jobs that were primarily "writing." And it drained my brain. I think I would like to write at my leisure. A novel of some sort.

3. I am inspired by great art, phenomenal photography and amazing color combinations.

4. I could not live without music. I love to sing and dance - but do neither in the company of others.

5. At my core, I believe that absolutely anything is possible. Anything can be worked out. And anyone can do just about anything if they put their mind to it and do the work. I really, really do.

6. I have an addition that I am working to overcome (don't worry, it's not substance abuse!).

7. I could spend one month alone, in my house and find perfect peace.

7 things I would do if money were no object:

1. Live someplace sunny and warm.

2. Buy set my Dad/stepMom and my Mom in paid-for homes. Um, separately. Not together. And my FIL and SIL too. I think I'd lump us in there as well.

3. Purchase the biggest Dooney and Bourke bag around. :)

4. Prepay college tuition for Hope. Including master's work.

5. Quit la job and become that writer that lives within.

6. Drink Starbucks every single day (from the store, not my coffee maker).

7. Support needy families. I think this would be first, actually.

7 things I am wishing for this Christmas:

1. Meaningful time with family.
2. That Hope will remember the reason we celebrate (birth of Jesus) and celebrate Him.
3. For the entire family to go to Christmas Eve services.
4. A large amount of weight would miraculously leave my body.
5. Very selfishly, a new cell phone. Although mine works just fine. I reallllyyy want an Iphone.
6. A fresh start.
7. Something unspoken and not meant for the blogwaves. :)

Happy December! :)

santa parade...

2008-12-07T14:31:00.001-08:00

my girl cheers in two santa parades...

2008-12-07T14:25:00.001-08:00

...and she was awesome! :)

some thankfulness and World AIDS Day....

2008-11-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

a little late, but it's still officially thanksgiving weekend. and because i'm feeling so lazy, no caps today. :)

I am thankful for....

My husband. Yes, it's true. I have been "down" for the past 2 months. Well, "down" in a semi-down way. Surgery 2 weeks ago put me "completely down." My perfectionistic partner has been a trooper. From dish-duty to Girl Scout escort to "put the lights up on the house" and "go get the Christmas tree by himself" - I am thankful for it all.

My daughter. Her goofy sense of humor, willingness to try anything once and her tender heart. Okay, She also loves animals. While this is not a love I share (at all!), I admire it in my girl. She has been a tremoundous help to me as I've recovered over the past few weeks.

My little sister. We have a history all its own, my sister and I do. From turkey dances to Rogue River rafting fiascos to a giggle-fest a'la telephone, I love this girl. And rely on her for a little sanity. Nuff said.

She is my humor creator. True story.

My inlaws. Lee's sister and Dad are the peeps we spend the majority of our time with. Vacations, holidays and the like. With all of our quirks, we hang in there together. And I will say (because Sandra doesn't read this blog), that I'm not sure what I would do without my chat with Karen, who has become a bit of the glue for our familia. Glue that looks an awful lot like my mother-in-law, whom I miss each and every day. If I had a picture of her scanned, I would def. post. :)

Other important thankful notes? Health. A roof over our heads. Clean water to drink - and running through pipes and faucets. I don't have AIDS. My parents haven't died from AIDS. I will likely never contract HIV. I am not 10 and caring for my 3 younger siblings, like so many kids in Africa, specifically. My daughter will not know that kind of desperation.

Most importantly, I am thankful for the Lord. Who He is in our lives. That He saved me from a life of hopelesness. Or a life of hope in things that fade and fail. And the promise of eternal life that He alone can give.

:) A rambling post that I began last night. And very jaggedly finished this morning. ;)

24 days until Christmas!!! Yeehaw!

MVI_2215[1].avi

2008-11-28T13:44:00.001-08:00

that's my fella....

bellybuttons and ornaments

2008-11-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

The past couple of months have been long. And by long I mean 'excruciating."

One of my co-workers blogged about his colonoscopy. I read some of it, thought it was too much info and told him so. After having a procedure of my own, I'm half tempted to share all of the details. I won't. But oh, I am tempted. I wonder why that is? No one is really interested in it. But oh, how we like to share. Wait, the only person who might be interested is one who is about to have a similar procedure.

And I doubt this blog pops up on major medical searches. So you're saved. For now. A wild hair may move me to give every detail at some point. It wouldn't take much, that's for certain. :)

I had surgery about...12 days ago. Recovery has not been without hiccups. Thankfully, I have a job that has allowed me to take extra time off. A daughter who worships me and worries about me and is the best helper a mama could ask for. And a husband, who for all of his words, took on the "other half" of our life in the best way he could while I recuperated. Not that he wasn't salivating over the thought of a vacuum in my hands...sigh.

One of my favorite peeps had her annual ornament party on Saturday. I am not really a girl who enjoys large groups of women. Oh, no. I do not. And I have bypassed my sweet D's soiree simply becuase of the estrogen. This year, I went. And the crowd was half the size. I will say, that a good time was had by all. Namely, me.

Granted, I hadn't left the house in 9 days. A trip to the gas station would have been fun at that point too. (oh, but I kid).

The end of the evening found a group of us forming a not-so-secret sisterhood of women who watch "The Real Housewives" reality show on Bravo. Specifically, the housewives of Atlanta. Or "Hotlanta" as some say (I'm taking a stab that my sweet Jeanette might pray for me over this one. I'll take it, sister). Nine days preceded by a month of pain and days in bed gives a girl a lot of time. I did read some books. I also became addicted to a few new shows. Hotlanta is one of them. Nene is my girl. I am counting the minutes until the reunion show airs in 43 minutes. Oh. yes. I am.

I also watched all six extended version disks in the Lord of the Ring series. I say this with the hope that it somehow balances out my reality tv watching. And by balances, I mean "erases."

Seriously, it was hillarious to discover not just one (camie!) but 2 more (shannon/dana) lovers of the show. It might be a little sad to tell you how long we actually dissected the show. But it was all in good fun. :)

Here are a few pics of our night togethah.

The group of us. Two people are making bunny ears behind my head. Really?

Two of my favoritest girls in the world. Jeanette and baby Shayne (l), whom I do not see enough and our hostess with the mostess (r), ol yella (danielle). These are my truest of peeps. Oh yes, they are. And when a tree falls in the forest .... (ha!)
One of my other most favoritest girls (and I'm using excellent grammar just for her) - Denise (r). We have been through some times together...in fact, I don't think I would have made it through some of those times without her. I do love my Dee-Dee. And her love for books and lending them my way. Um, and lots of other stuff too. :)

This just makes me laugh. Lori and Danielle. These are two crazy girls. Lori and I shared some laughs all night long. Mostly over people dancing in the pits. Ah well, someone's gotta do it. Right, Lori? :)

Danielle grabbed the camera as Camie and I went over-the-top with hysteria over our kindred hotlanta habit. Oh my. I'm so glad I posed with that plate in my hand. Dear Jesus.

This is probably the single-worse picture of me ever taken - but at the same time, the funniest picture ever. Thank goodness I still have my plate in hand - I could just not get it together. Or get my camera back from Danielle. Who know reality tv could make a girl laugh so stinkin' hard?

And this, I put in because what would an ornament party be without ladies gathering in the kitchen to listen to Danielle's hubby share his adventures of the evening? Real men defintely eat at Olive Garden, Cryin B. They also lock their keys in the car ALL the time. Especially firemen. Seriously, don't even worry yourself about that one. "Hey Nana, this is fireman bryan. Can you come get me?" Oh lawdy. But we do love us some cryin' b and the way he puts up with his wife's many, many, many peepettes. Seriously...an award for Bryan. !!! :)

This might be my goofiest post yet. Or maybe, the most sarcastic. Eh, I bet I can top it.

Here's to Thanksgiving 2008 - minus anything resembling pumpkin! :) Praying the holiday is blessed, loaded with family and memory-making moments! I am looking forward to some more time to heal and maybe put that vacuum in hand that Lee is so longing to see. :)

Aiight? :) kb

recovery...

2008-11-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

On all different levels, recovery is work. Whether it be emotional, physical, mental or from surgery...it's work and it looks different for everyone.

I had surgery on Thursday - to fix a troublesome issue that's been with me since Hope was born almost 9 years ago. It began to hurt and affect the way I live (or wasn't living) - so it had to be fixed.

As I've laid in bed, recliners and on couches over the past 3 days, I've realized that good healthy recovery is a choice. I can do all of the things the doctor said not to and ignore his wisdom, and while I'll likely heal, it won't be a "good heal." I'll likely re-injur the wound. Temporary "bandaids" will reside instead of a good, strong scar that can withstand any new trauma or pressure that comes its way. God created the human body to heal.

I think it's true of the heart as well. So many adults are simply kids who need a true recovery. Their wounds have healed to the best of their ability, but true healing, the kind that can only come from a lot of hard work, forgiveness and looking at truth, well, it hasn't come to them yet. They need to take "orders" from the "big doctor in the sky" and make steps toward a full recovery. Most don't. But the choice is there.

Those are my Sunday words. From a girl who is still recovering from surgery. And a few other life experiences. But I'm looking at them. And know that freedom is possible.

"He jests at scars who never felt a wound." ~William Shakespear (Romeo and Juliet)

A scar is a beautiful thing. It represents recovery.

Be blessed!

hmmm....

2008-11-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

No catchy title tonight. Just a quick blog-dump.

I'm having a minor surgery in t-minus 2 days. Two more wake ups. For the particular ailment, I am looking forward to being on the other side of the knife (ie healing). I'll be "down" for 3-4 days. I have some books waiting to be read. A few shows to catch up on. And maybe some rest to be had. Lee's a pretty handy guy. I suspect he and Hope will be dining on nachos and pizza and nuggets...but they'll survive.

I've been trying to master the art of the crockpot this past week. Much to the dismay of my family, I haven't quite mastered it. Last week, I discovered the brown rice isn't a good think to crock with. It never really "cooked." But the cream cheese chicken that it basted in was really good. Monday, I struck out again with an attempt at a beef and barley stew. It ended up being a big pot of barley with nuggets of meat and veggies buried inside. The liquid completely disappeared. I fixed it tonight...Hope and I dined on it (and it was good), but Lee took a pass. :)

I'm not giving up. Am looking for a recipe that will be a hit with this family. Lee isn't a picky eater...but he is finicky. And there is a fine-line difference there. He likes pizza, but only a certain brand. He'll eat rice, but only if it's accompanied with a certain sauce. That kind of thing.

I made tomorrow's dinner, tonight. Hope was in heaven b/c it's meatballs (to go with spaghetti). She loves them. Turkey meatballs loaded with shredded veggies and spinach. She doesn't even realize... :) But they are good. Wednesdays are a mad-dash for us. Home from work, change of clothes, gulp some food and off to Awana. :) She loves it. I do too. Lee has an award dinner tomorrow night...so it's just the Hopester and I. Maybe we'll have nachos instead (ha!).

My dear friend Denise (and fellow lover of books) brought some books for my "surgery down time." The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. I'm not sure how I've never read this - I've digested most of his works. I'm excited to read this. I hear it referenced all the time. I think she may have put some Karen Kingsbury in there for me too. Another guilty pleasure. I have 3 books that I have been picking up and putting down in a rotating fashion for far too long.

Boy, I hope I'm not doped up and have my wits about me. I would really love some reading time. :) I have been trying to finish a book called, "Here if you need me" by Kate Braestrup. It's so good.

I also have plans to watch some movies that we own, but I have yet to watch. Wanna know what they are? The Devil Wears Prada (i know, i know), Stranger than Fiction, Nacho Libre and Lord of the Rings 1, 2 and however many others there are. I'm not much of a movie-watcher - but I am determined to finish watch these. I was "down for the count" over the weekend and brought out "The Devil Wears Prada" - but got caught up in those housewives of Atlanta on Bravo. It was like a train wreck that I just couldn't look away from. Those girls are NUTS. And addicting.

So that's it from here. Spaghetti and homemade meatballs tomorrow night. Surgery Thursday morning. And prayerfully, a speedy and painless (smile) recovery.

If you know me much, you'll know that I am less concerned about the surgery and highly concerned about the IV going into my hand. Oh, how squeamish I am. Needles are not my friend. My hands hurt thinking about it. Bleh! Somewhere, Katie is laughing.

David Cook - Dare You to Move by Switchfoot

2008-11-11T19:37:00.001-08:00

No reason. Just my favorite Idol winner. He's so cute. :)

my husband...

2008-11-03T14:30:00.000-08:00

was off work today. Meaning, he took a day off. I volunteer in Hope's class on Mondays. And work from home before and after. Arrived back home after class duty to one shining and spotless home. The smell of stainless steel polish and Pledge were mingling with the smell of my crockpot chicken. Somewhere, June Cleaver was gleaming. And my hubby was obsessing. I followed the sent of Pledge. Wondering what if he wanted a little lunch. I was certain he'd worked up an appetite. What with all the cleaning. And obsessing. But alas, what I got was this:

"Kris, can you cook a lunch that doesn't require using the stove, oven or microwave? I'm good. I had some popcorn earlier"

Seriously. Stainless steal may be the death of me. And the catalyst for therapy for Lee.

I did make lunch on the stove. Carefully. He disappeared to another room. It was too much for him, I think.

I went upstairs to my office and heard a noise. A continual noise. I called for Lee and heard a muffled answer. He was outside on the front porch, touching up the paint around the door. The brush hitting the wood was my "continual noise." Swish. Shwep. Shwep. Swish.

As I retreated to the only messy spot in the house (ie my desk), I did feel compelled to tidy it up. A little. I brought down a few coffee cups. Enough for Mr. Tidybritches to give me a shake of the head and the unspoken, "If you'd just bring them down after you're done, things would always be clean." But I know if it sits long enough, eventually, my Mr. OCD will eventually do it for me.

Welcome to life at 111 Crazy Street. In McCrazyville, USA. The cleanest house on the block.

oye.

Lazy Saturdays are the best...

2008-11-01T14:50:00.001-07:00

especially when it's raining. That's how I feel today, anyhow.

Our Halloween was fun - and uneventful, for the most part. If you know me a little bit, you'll know that I'm not a fan of Halloween. No particular reason. I'm not a makeup pro, so the whole costume gig, is more frustrating than fun. I don't like to be scared, so the horror aspect of it bites for me. Like I said, the reasoning isn't really there - just not my favorite holiday.

Hope loves to dress up. And she likes candy. So it's a fun time for her. And Lee loves to chaperone she and her friends through miles and miles of candyville, so it was a good night. I stayed home and handed out goodies to a lot of "kids" who looked old enough to be paying a mortgage, if not in college. Crazy.

I do, however, enjoy the haul of candied loot Hope brings home. She's not a chocolate lover (can you imagine?) - so most of that stuff makes it my way. Although, I'm trying to be good.

About a month ago, I "did a little something" while helping my fella move some treadmills. Long story short and a bucket of vagueness to boot, I am going to need surgery. I thought I could put it off for a month or so - but it looks like the sooner they can get me in, the better. Which kind of bites. Am hoping it will be the laproscopic version vs. the "whole enchilada." I'll know more on Tuesday. I am enjoying my lighter workload around the house and Lee's willingness to shoulder some things he doesn't normally, but I'd rather be healthy and not need the surgery, truthfully.

Hope has a cold. I told a friend of mine that I was going to blog about her brand-new nebulizer, but I don't have a pic to share. Hope was in the throes of an asthmatic moment yesterday morning, so we fired up her nebulizer (that hadn't been needed for 6 months). It sounded like a really sad volkswagon bus. By noon, I had a very slim and sleek new neb for my little one. It was like ditching an old 1980s cell phone and using an iPhone. :)

That's really it from here. Doing a little work over the weekend, anticipating some time out for surgery and hoping it happens sooner, than later.

:) Later mcgaters. k

See, Halloween just isn't my thing.

Break Through The Chains

2008-10-27T14:36:00.001-07:00

a slightly brighter view...

2008-10-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been torturous. Privately, anyhow. Work is good. Hope is good. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive the byways and clean water to drink. But privately, I've been trudging through a little mud. Mud from my past. And now that I've typed that, mud isn't a good word to use. It's just thick. And I've avoided it - or didn't recognize it, for a very, very long time.

Today, I find myself feeling a little more free. I've created a compartment, moved some things there and find my heart with a little more room to breathe. I opened up a bit, received some forgiveness. I guess I feel more "whole." Some longings and regrets that may always live, but they don't have to rule me today.

I'm being vague. And that's on purpose.

The past weekend was beautiful. I love the sun. We took some of Hope's friends and saw HSM3. That's High School Musical 3 for those of you without kids under 10. :) Lee and Hope took off on Saturday morning for a community service project (ie badge-earner). Gave me some time to work off some of my new-found "freedom" in the form of a cleaning binge. You know the job is well-done when the perfectionist in your life is impressed.

We did a little pumpkin carving, some teriyaki eating (yum!), reality-tv catching up and slept in. Which in our world, means 7:30 am. Lee surprised me with pancakes in bed on Sunday...which save the moments I am sick, might be a first? Hmmm. :)

Hope wanted to hang back in her pajamas and watch a movie with her Daddy on Sunday, so I ventured to church on my lonesome. I was okay with it, truthfully. I felt the need for some emotional purging, so I headed to Puyallup Foursquare for service (vs. going to church at my little Enumclaw church). No reason, except that P4S's worship absolutely rocks. I knew I could enter in (and out) anonymously. Marc Wymore led worship - and he simply rocks. I've posted a video of a song he wrote via you tube, on the post above (or below?). "Break these Chains." Take a listen. He's awesome.

Anyhow..shed some tears, move and groove without a lot of questions - and was left alone.Which is why I went there. I wish Hope liked their kid's program...because I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the atmosphere at that church. The kid's program at our church in Enumclaw is smaller-scale, more hands-on bible learning and Hope loves it. And that, friends who have wondered and ask, is why I switched.

I'm rambling. A little therapy for me, I suppose.

And finally, after a doc appt this morning, it looks like surgery is in my future. Bleh. I don't feel like sharing on the blogwaves...just say, it shall be not a lot of fun. That's for certain. I'll know more next week.

Off to enjoy the remainder of this sunny day! :)

good things today

2008-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm having an emotional day. For so many reasons. Not all bad. Just emotional. But here are some good things - and I'm reminding myself right now.

1. I think the heart does go on.

2. Sunshine is the most beautiful medicine - today, albeit cold outside, is no exception.

3. Trader Joe's is hands-down my favorite grocery store. I'm enjoying some white bean and basil hummus today along with a little trail mix called "tempting." And it is.

4. I am growing. Through some pretty sharp growing pains. Recognizing some long-ago losses. Dealing with the delayed pain of the loss. Picking myself up, dusting off my heart and believing that I will be okay.

5. Jesus still loves me. Amazingly, but He does.

6. We are going to see High School Musical 3 tonight. yesss...... :)

Since I began this blog, hours have passed. A friend brought me the gift of a few chapters from a meaningful (and suprisingly appropriate) book she is reading. I enjoyed a very light lunchtime conversation with peeps I rarely see. And I just enjoyed a homemade banana muffin.

Things are looking up. :)

quote for the day

2008-10-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

"The symptoms and the illness are not the same thing. The illness exists long before the symptoms. Rather than being the illness, the symptoms are the beginning of its cures. The fact that they are unwanted makes them all the more a phenomenon of grace - a gift of God, a message from the unconscious, if you will, to initiate self-examination and repair."

M. Scott Peck
The Road Less Traveled

a little boredom blogging...

2008-10-23T20:05:00.001-07:00

I'm not really bored. Just blogging about some boring things. Or less than exciting. But here it is. :)

Hope and I made banana muffins tonight. They were VERY good.Very, very good.

Hope's cheesy grin. Holding her freshly baked muffins. Again, so yummy. :)

Facebook. I spend far too much time on this. Even in the middle of muffin baking.

My cup of freshly brewed tea. Pomegranite Green Tea. Mmmmmm. :)
We were also watching Hannah Montana while Facebooking and baking (and eating) banana muffins.
Hope picked up the camera this morning. Kind of a goofy pose on my part..but there you have it.

My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

2008-10-22T17:52:00.001-07:00

poignant. :)

remembering a great man

2008-10-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Earl Cumpston, Jr.

10/11/38 - 9/11/08

I attended a memorial service for Earl Cumpston today. He was a big ol' teddy bear, in my book. I confess that it's been a few years since I saw him live and in person. But he is permanently imprinted on my heart. And Lee's. And what looked to be about 200 other folks in attendance today.

Earl's wife MariKay (MK) has been my email and prayer buddy for years. She calls me sleeves (don't ask) and makes a mean chicken stuffing casserole. She and Earl were part of a small group with Lee and I 11-ish years ago. They cared for us and loved us through some crazy days surrounding the death of Lee's mom. And now, she and I are facebook friends. We keep a lively conversation going through that crazy social network at least once a week. Usually on politics. Or Joe Biden's use of botox. Or the possibility of a translator for some of my lingo. :)

The most amazing thing about today was the obvious legacy Earl left. His two kids, his friends, his family, his wife, the cowboys he served....and me. The words spoken by their pastor confirmed what I know to be true: Earl loved people. And he loved them well. He had a heart to help - and he was flat-out lovable. When I say he was a teddy bear, I'm not kidding. I'm honored to have known such a man. And have pondered the question all day long: We're only given a short time on this planet. What are we doing with our lives? How am I touching others? And what kind of legacy am I leaving. Am I living like Earl? Can I live like that?

Good questions, eh?

Earl, you are remembered. You are loved. And you lived well. I'm wondering if what Pastor Scott said is true. Are you dancing? Because I'd like to see a little of that.

:)

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion Live in Memphis

2008-10-20T09:29:00.001-07:00

Love this song. Love Celine. :)

Thirty six facts....

2008-10-19T21:35:00.001-07:00

1. What time is it?

9:35 pm. Bedtime, really. But I'm spending (wasting?) time on my friend. The computer

2. What is your sign and your birthday?

Leo. The Lion.

3. What type was your first car?

A baby blue rabbit. I think it was a 1974? Back then, it was kind of hip-ish. :)

4. Name four jobs you've had in your life?

Chicken Slinger at the KFC (indeed)
Customer Service Porfessional and la Pay-n-Save
Marketing Assistant at Engineering Firm
Marketing Assistant at Engineering Firm (true story, I did this twice)

5. If you could have any job, what would it be?

For real? I'd like to be a stay at home Mom. I'm not sure I'd love, love, love it. But the life of a working Mom is no cake-walk. If we're pretending, I'd enjoy life as a personal assistant. To say, my Matthew Maconaughey. Yes, he is mine. That boy, is beautiful.

6. What are you most afraid of? most things that crawl. or slither. or fly.

7. What is the last movie you saw in a theater?

Ummmm....Kung Fu Panda, I think. Free showing last month. Next show I will be seeing? High School Musical 3. Yes. :)

8. What are four movies you would watch over and over?

Up Close and Personal (Robert Redford; Michell Pfeiffer)
The Mirror Has Two Faces (alltime fave)
The Ya-Ya Sisterhood
The Wedding Planner (my matthew)

9. Place of birth? Heidelberg, Germany

10. How Many places have you lived? Too many to count.

11. What are four places you have been on vacation?
Lost Wages (Las Vegas)
Grand Canyon
Mazatlan, MX
Peoria, AZ

12. What are four places you would rather be right now?
A loaded questions right now. I will just say...some place sunny. And stress free. With poolside service.

13. What are the best places you have ever been?

Chicago.
Hawaii.
The ocean. Wa/Or.

14. What are four websites you visit daily?
facebook.com
cnn.com
msn.com
king5.com

15. What are four of your favorite foods?
Indian
Thai
Chocolate
Cake (sad, I know)

16. What's your favorite new food?

Hmm...herbal tea isn't really a food, but it's definitely my new thing. :)

17. Which do you prefer, ketchup or mustard?

Neither, truthfully. Mustard, if I have to pick.

18. Which do you prefer, hamburgers or hotdogs?

Depends on my mood. I like them both.

19. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?

Most of the time. Unless they are "monster stems."

20. Favorite Drink?

Iced americano with cream. Or just coffee with cream.

22. What's your natural hair color?

I don't do the hair foil/dye thing yet. But it's coming. For now, brown.

23. Ever been toilet paper rolling?

A bajillion years ago.

24. Ever love someone so much it made you cry?

Yes. Many, many moons ago.

25. Favorite CD?CD's? CDs? How about on my Ipod? Right now, I've been digging some Sting...and Celine Dion.

26. Favorite day of the week?

Friday. And all weekend days. :)

27. Favorite Restaurant?

Depends on my mood. I love the Thai Kitchen in Bellevue. YUM. :) I'm not much of a "fine diner" - but Lawry's Steakhouse (in Chicago) is my pick of the decade. Incredible. :)

28. Favorite Flower?

Tulips.

29. Favorite sport to watch?

Live and in person? Baseball. In person? Running. Biking. Gymnastics. The Olympics!!! :) I am not a football watcher. As much as I've tried, and as often as my husband has wished it so. I just can't get into it.

30. Disney or Warner Brothers?

Zero opinion.

31. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Taco Bell, I suppose.

32. What color is your bedroom carpet?

Track-house beige.

33. Before this email, from whom did you get your last e-mail?

The Mom of one of hope's friends

34. What do you do most often when you are bored?

Um, how about this? Or watch mindless tv. Like now.

35. Bedtime?

If I'm being disciplined, 9 pm. Undisciplined? 11 pm.

36. What four still-airing TV shows do you love to watch?

House
Biggest Loser
Lipstick Jungle
The Hills

:)

...the heart will go on...

2008-10-19T15:12:00.001-07:00

Love can touch us once

and last for a lifetime

and never let go til we're gone.

Love was when I loved you

One true time, I hold you

In my life, we'll always go on.

That's sort of privately poignant for me right now. Ahhhh, the titanic song. I suppose I've never listened to it very clearly. I've been crooning to Celine all weekend on my iPod. Why?

Did I mention Celine Dion was on the weekend docket? Last night. And she was AMAZING. Seriously, amazing. A belated birthday gift from my dear friend, Shelly. I have to say that my entire Saturday just might be the best day I have had in a very long time. AND, the belated birthday evening - might just have been the best. ever. (no one be offended if you've done something lovely for my birthday. I'm talking ... the past five years-ish). Although, Shelly and I ventured to Portland in one day, just to see Barry Manilow last year as another belated birthday celebration. It was phenomenal as well.

Shelly's sister, Charlene, joined us for dinner at El Gaucho in Tacoma. Or TA-co-MA, as pronounced by Celine. I wonder if she wondered where in the heck she was - in the land of the dome and all things hilltop. ? :)

Anyhow...dinner was unbelievable. One of those places where the meal comes in courses. Charlene ordered something called a "berrytini" - after one taste of hers, I quickly ordered one as well. It was my first martini, ever. And it was gorgeous. Mmmmm!

After a wonderful dinner, we were seranaded by the piano in the lounge below - and a group of women belting out Celine tunes one after the other. It was so fun. Charlene grabbed the chef and had a few pics taken of us with him (because we loved the food -and the bananas foster so very much). Photos coming. :)

We made it up to our seats with a moment to spare. An impressionist named Gordy something performed for us. He was hillarious. And I think, he's from Vegas. Gordy Brown, I think. Celine came to the stage through the crowd. Shelly wasn't much for her dialogue, but I adore Ms. Dion, so I was happy to hear her share a little as well as croon.

An amazing show. After-show traffic? Ugly. But gave Shelly and I a chance to visit whilst ignoring the red lights, not-so-nice policemen and navigate through closed roads and unknown streets. ;)

Overall? I think that was my very best birthday ever. Seriously. :)

Crazy self-portrait while waiting for Charlene and Shelly a few blocks from the Dome. :) Not a great shot, but you get the picture. Have green tea, will travel. :) Photos: camera phone.

...back on the road again...

2008-10-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

We did it. Very impromptu, but we did it. Lee mentioned hitting the trail last night. I gained concensus from Ginger and Liz, so off we went. Liz and I did the car drop at 6:30 this morning and managed to "get going" by about 7:20 am. Lee and Hope were behind us a bit, but managed to catch up. Quickly. And pass us. Whatever.

We had many laughs on that crazy trail. I think we were all glad to have gotten up BEFORE the birds (and the sun) and put 7.5 miles under our respective belts. Although, the older I get, the more I enjoy staying in bed. Oye.

Highlights of the morning include discussion of a potential girls' trip to Vegas (Oct. of 2009, ladies?), multiple notations on the complete lack of bathrooms on the Buckley/Orting trail, the discovery of many foot long worms that nearly sent my gag reflex into action, many sporty fisherman that Liz eyed carefully (and noted the presence or lack of a wedding band!), and some unbelievably large mushrooms (see photo). Worms and mushrooms on steroids? Only in the country. :) No photos of the worms. Seriously. Crawly things and myself don't mix.

We ended our exercise with a caffeine break at the Orting Starbucks. Ahhhh. Please forgive the not-so-great quality of the pics. My little Krzr phone/camera captures the action, but that's about it.

Hope catchs up to us on her bike - with Lee jogging up the rear. Have I mentioned that they are competitive? And quick. :)

Liz and Ginger. Discussing which one of them are going to take me out of the picture. My camera phone wasn't welcome this morning. I think Liz may have paid me back. I'm waiting to see what appears on her Facebook page.

Self-portrait. Me, Liz and Ginger. Blurriness reflects how we were feeling, moments after our walk began.Here they are passing us. Was surprised they hung at our pace for as long as they did. We had some laughs with them too. Mostly at Lee's expense.
Here's my guy. Ready for trail action. If I could jog as fast as he walks, life would be, well, much quicker!The reward of the morning's effort. My iced americano completely hit the spot.
Lee and Hope relax at Starbuck's.
Ginger and Liz. Wondering if they're going to have to help me put the camera down once and for all.
Hope was willing to pose with her mama. :) Good times and a good morning with our peeps! :) I'm preparing for my Celine Dion concert tonight (yay!)...and am listening to my husband's iPod right now. How many men do you know that have Mariah Carey, Whitesnake and Luther Vandross on their playlist? Just sayin'. :)

a concert can sure take you back...

2008-10-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

We had some fun in September! Lee bought tickets (earlier in the summer) to go see Journey, Cheap Trick and Heart. We grabbed Ginger and Shane and enjoyed a pretty amazing concert. Cheap Trick was okay. Heart was amazing. Journey sounded good as well, considering they're on their 2nd singer since Steve left. The new guys SOUNDS just like him...but he LOOKS, um, completely different. :) Here are some shots from our evening, compliments of Ginger's iPhone.

An interesting week...

2008-10-15T16:40:00.001-07:00

I've been absent from the blogwaves and felt the need to remind myself of some sunnier times. :) Or some sun, period. I don't know about you, but the weather in eastern Pierce County has been a little frigid. And cloudy.

It's been a very interesting week. I'm just going to jot down some highlights. And let you fill in the blanks.

The best way to overcome the past? Embrace it. Oh yes. It is. Facebook is my fantabulous frenemy. I have quite the splintered past - that seems to be crashing in on me via Facebook. So, I've embraced the blasted thing. I've accepted friend requests from peeps I haven't heard from in 20-plus years. Fences have been mended. Bridges have been built. Um, and some memory banks had the dust gently cleared away. My best friend from high school (jody, that's you!) and I have been emailing away over the past few weeks. Purple Rain and matching asymmetrical haircuts. That's all I'm sayin'. If I had a scanner, I would definitely post a photo. Oh yes, I have one. Buried under lock and key. But I have one.

The past makes us who we are. So why have I been so determined to separate it from my life today? I'm asking myself that question over and over. There's never a hurt that can't be healed. Or a change that can't be recognized. Just saying.

Political discussions. I don't fitany longer. I think I'm okay with that. Not long ago, Shelly and I were having an "over the cube wall" conversation about politics (ie Palin) and it hit me. Something has changed in me. I don't know when it happened. Or what spring has come loose, but I have moved from "black and white" to a slight bit of gray. And while I think Sarah did well in her debate, she's not who I'd pick for V.P. I just don't feel comfortable with her in the co-chair. Love that she's a Christian. Love that she's bold. Don't love that she's the pick. I wish I did. So does my husband. I think he'd campaign for her, if he could. If polygamy were legal, he might entertain that. She is cute, isn't she?

Menopause. Or peri-menopause. Whatever you have heard about it, I think the reality might be worse. And do you know that a history of breast cancer prohibits the taking of hormones? Or birth control pills? Or any estrogen-generating helpmate that can be found? I am serious as a heart attack. My Mom sent me a bottle of Mexican Yam Extract to help. Not sure what they will do for me yet. Reverse the process? That would be swell. I'm hoping it's not something served with marshmallows and brown sugar (sorry, Mom. a joke!).

Herbal tea is my new thing. At least lately it is. I bought a new flavor today. Pomegranite Green Tea. I like it. "Live from your heart, you will be most effective. " How can you not love a tea that gives encouragement AND tastes good? Seriously, I'm not really a tea-drinker, but have slowly become one. My evening routine winds down with a cup of something warm. It's good. Someone, somewhere must be so proud.

My new favorite blog. If you like to cook (or like to eat?) - check it out. It's http://www.goodthingscatered.blogspot.com/. I added it to my google reader recently and love it (and if you don't have a google reader account for your blog reading, you should!). I made "Big Mama's Chicken Pot Pie" from the site Despite the name, it was very good. Lee and Hope were not keen on the spice blend (from the roux). It called for Old Bay - which my friend Ann (who is a fabulous food writer) tells me contains cinnamon and ginger. She gave some other suggestions for a more pleasing taste for the fam. I actually dug it. And ate the leftovers. I just deleted the picture for the umpteenth time and am not pasting it back in. You can see it on the website. Darn blogger. :) I just might move to Wordpress.

That's it from here. The girls and I (and Lee) are contemplating our marathon training. It needs to begin. Soon. I've been detoxing and taking herbals and liquids and all matter of things that strengthen the immune system. And trying to kiss white sugar goodbye (easier said than done). Hope is busy with cheer class, Girl Scouts and Awana. Speaking of, I need to get moving. Awana is tonight!

:) k

Where do we stand?

2008-09-05T03:07:00.001-07:00

I am 12 hours from having the first week of school "under my belt." The first day came off with a few bumps and bruises - but the rest of the week has shaped up nicely.

If you're not feeling political, this may not be the blog for you. I don't know that I am - but it is swirling around me and because I'm digesting it all myself, blogging about it seems fit. Or maybe I just want to have my say. Not sure.

I thought the conventions were interesting. I am, by nature and belief, a Republican - and that hasn't changed. I did catch Obama's closing speech and a bit of Biden. I am unimpressed with Obama on many levels. First, he's a democrat and we hold different things close to our heart. The second - I think Hillary said it best. "What are the specifics of his campaign?" Amen.

The RNC. I did watch this. I began voting 22 years ago (oye) and have been and always will be aligned with the Republican party. My first ballot was cast to non-other than Ronald Reagan. I still hold the Reagan's in high-regard. When President Reagan passed away, I felt it and wept with a portion of America.

I tried to be a democrat in my early 20s. It's just not who I am. Back then, I thought I just wasn't hip enough to live in that world. Oh, I tried. But it wasn't pretty.

Today, I know it's more than not being hip-enough. I am pro-life. Not a very popular thing to say in our world today. I don't wear it as a judgment - but it's very much a heart issue for me.

I am a huge fan of Barbara Bush. Wife of George, mom of George W., how can one not love her? Her first major platform as First Lady (and second lady) was literacy - "the most important issue we have." She's been outspoken. Even on things like abortion, stating during her husband's 1992 campaign - "that the Republican Party should not take a stand on it. Personal things should be left out of, in my opinion, platforms and conventions." Her personal views on abortion were not known, although her friends reported at that time that she "privately supported abortion rights" (ref. Wikipedia).

Interesting, yes?

Early on in the primaries, I read an article in Time magazine on the father's of the candidates. Mitt Romney spoke about his father - George Romney, who ran his own attempt at the Republican Presidential nomination in 1968. He was the Governor of Michican at the time - and part of the party's liberal wing. Those of today, especially those in the evangelical camp, know that Mitt is a Mormon. And so was his Daddy. Interestingly, 40 years ago, the 'religious' beliefs of a candidate never entered the political platform. I'd venture to guess that it's become a public issue in the past 15 years, but I could be wrong (and I don't feel like researching).

The "evangelical right" makes up 1/4 of the population's Presidential vote. John McCain, for anyone interested, is an Episcopalian. He attends a Baptist church in Phoenix (when he's there) with his wife. He is also firmly pro-life. I thought the following quote was interesting, based on his choice of VP-elect (Palin), whose Christianity is definitely being raised on the platform, I found the following quote:

"I believe that the Mormon religion is a religion that I don't share, but I respect. More importantly, I've known so many people of the Mormon faith who have been so magnificent. I think that Governor Romney's religion should not, absolutely not, be a disqualifying factor when people consider his candidacy for President of the United States, absolutely not." (interview with Dan Gilgoff).

Still intersting, yes?

I don't know that I believe "religion" should be a defining factor of why we vote or choose a certain president. It's definitely welcome if our candidate happens to be a Christian. The democratic party has (at least in my lifetime), always been pro-choice. And I am not. I can never vote that way - even if I supported the candidate. McCain is quiet about his faith. McCain was POW Chaplain - and enjoyed the experience (in context with being a tortured prisoner of war). He is quoted with the following:

"So, it's a very important part of my life. But, I cannot tell you that I've ever had a revelation from God--it's been kind of plotting. I pray, I receive comfort, I think I receive guidance, I know I receive guidance and I pray and it's, you know, it's not a spectacular kind of thing. It's something that I think is very lasting." (interview with Dan Gilgoff)

And in another piece in The Hill,

"Senator Thad Cochran, who has known McCain for decades and has battled him over earmarksm has expressed concern about a McCain presidency: "He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me." Ultimately Cochran decided to support McCain for president, after it was clear he would win the nomination."

Do I feel better knowing that the man heading our country is a man of prayer? I do. Does it matter to me that he's a hothead? Maybe. At the core, I am a fan of President Bush (jr. more than sr.), and I do believe he's a man of faith. Maybe more in line with mine than than the nominee coming behind him. And I'm okay with that.

Palin. Oh, the hoopla over Palin. She does make our ticket more attractive. And as a marketing move, it was smart. As a woman, I think its amazing to see her running for office. I do. And she is walking in a brand-new pair of pumps, that's for sure. I cringed during many moments of her speech. Maybe it was just the Alaskan in her and I've been in Washington too long. Sarah, if I weren't a Republican, you'd have lost me with the hockey mom/pitbull reference. Maybe it's just me.

Does it comfort me that she's being touted as an evangelical Christian? Maybe. She's too new and too uknown. John McCain has been thoroughly vetted over the past 8 years. Sarah, is still being vetted, I think. I am holding my final opinion until I see it all. She's under investigation in the state of Alaska for potential felony - the firing of the Commisioner of Public Safety. Allegdly, for refusing to fire her former brother-in-law (AK state trooper). Hopefully, the investigation rolls in her favor.

There are other murmurs of more 'scandal' - but hopefully they are untrue.

Once upon a time, I would have jumped on the wagon as soon as I heard that she was a Chrisitian. I guess I don't look through those lenses any longer. I need to know more about her. Her character. Who she is. What she believes. And her integrity. I hope to hear more about that in the upcoming debates - and I am praying for her. Those will be intense and tense days. And for the record, I really do want to get behind her. It's too soon. But as soon as I'm her die hard fan, you'll be the first to know. I really do want to like her as much as the rest of my circle does. I'm just not there yet. She's still making herself known to me.

Obama himself says he's a Christian. That doesn't mean a lot in today's world. There are people in low and high places, pastors and people alike, who wear the tag of Christianity, but behind the door, it means zero. ZERO.

Final words. I'm glad the Republican ticket is still pro-life. Hopefully anyone who has been concerned with my political stance, now rests easy. I am thankful for George W, who in 2003, put a ban on partial birth abortions, which is truly the most horrific of atrocities in the world of atrocities (b/c abortion itself is just that. an atrocity). If Obama comes into office, mark my words, that will be the first thing to go. The definition of "viable birth" will come back into debate and while some believe we will be free with a woman's right to choose, I think we will just be a nation who devalues life.

Vote smart. Do your research. Don't speak so loud that you can't be heard. Submit your opinions in a way people can hear them. And pray for our people - presidential nominees included.

A few thoughts from here....

2008-08-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

1. It's been raining a lot over the past week. I enjoyed the sun yesterday. I am not ready for the rainy season (330 days of it) to begin.

2. The Olympics are over. And I am sad. Enough said.

3. My daughter fell asleep at 6:30 pm this evening. I am hoping she makes it until at least 6 am.

4. School begins in one week. One more week until my little one is official a 3rd grader. May not seem like much, but I can hardly believe it. She'll be 9 in five months. Amazing.

5. Obama. He's a greeting card. With a loose-lipped running mate. oye.

6. My back is sore from 7.5 miles on Saturday. But it was good to see where I'm at. And 7.5 miles probably isn't quite it. A solid 5 would have suited me better. For now.

7. Church. I wrestled with going this morning. But was so glad I did. "When we feel unloved" was the sermon title. Everything the Pastor said resonated with me. Except when he said, "If God hasn't chastened you, then you aren't saved." I actually..............agree with that. But wouldn't have said it in those words. What about the newbie who hasn't had a struggle yet? I wondered how an "unchastened" folk may have felt with that statement. It took me back, but for once, I sat tall. "That's right, I have been chastened. And how."

8. I have a reality tv habit that I may need to kick. Admitting it is the first step.

:)

What makes us tick?

2008-08-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a fortnight. Maybe longer. Definitely longer.

S'been a long and interesting summer. For a sun-lover like myself, the weather was a welcome gift. And after yesterday's horrendous humidity, this temperature dip coupled with the wet stuff is welcomed as well.

I'm having a hard time jump-starting my blog machine - so maybe a little waxing of vague will help.

This summer has been one full of introspection and reflection and protection (spf 55, dontcha know!). We began with some endings in mind. Try as one might, sometimes, a thing just doesn't want to end. So we go on. With whatever that thing may be. Easy. Difficult. Draining. Beautiful. Painful. Bloody. All of that and more.

Our family has traveled this summer. Near and far. Physically and emotionally. Met with some milestones. Hopped some hurdles. Faced disappointments. Dropped some pretenses. Embraced reality. And tried hard to overcome it.

I'm learning to be silent. Listening. Learning. Not judging. Tossing out the way I need things to look. Putting on different sets of specs. And resisting the urge to analyze. Or understand. Or make anyone fit into "the box" I think God has for them. Because in the end, I'm not God.

I've been reading a lot of books and gained insight through the most unexpected prose. Some Christian authors. A few secular authors. And some food writers (no suprise there!).

One afternoon not long ago, I was lounging in a pool in the Arizona sun. It was hot. The water was warm. I knew from the feel of my skin that it was time to turn. Or go in. Or at least dip into the water. Instead, I just stayed. I just wanted to take in the magnitude of the quiet. The sound of the heat. I thought, "This must be what God "feels" like."

Here's what I've learned. Belief is not a noun. It's a verb. It requires action. Positive or negative - it requires action.

Belief for me has been many things - until recently, it had never been a verb. Always a noun. It was who I was. My definition. My rock. The rock. Judgment. Black and white. A generator of false pride and the need to belong to one of the largest country clubs around.

I still believe. And before anyone becomes too nervous, I still believe in God. And I attend church. And at the end of the day, I believe He is good. He doesn't always do what I ask. Or what I'd like. There are times that He seems to be deaf. His children are broken and bleeding and dying at His feet. For days. Years. He allows some of His other children to come in and do more wounding. I see it everywhere. Unbelievable, really.

I suppose that it's out of His love that God provides splints for the broken appendages. And bandages to stop the bleeding. Soft hands to cradle our splintered hearts. Medical care to help the sick and dying. A well-timed hug to remind us that we are loved. Testimonies of the kidnapped, abused and broken in far-reaching countries. The kindness of a stranger to keep us wondering if He really does hear.

As we meander into the September month, I'm thankful. Thankful for a God who doesn't rescue me from anything. But instead, makes me walk through each and every step of the process. Whatever is ahead of me, there is no easy route. Except straight through the mess.

I'm without words for something fairly new. But it goes something like this. I think my belief looks less like a huge mecca on the side of the highway with golden smiles, cutting edges and a country club mentality and more like a small rambler that's easy to find, comfortable to sit in and welcomes everyone who comes up the path. The mecca causes people to conform to what they think they should be doing. And generates a machine of judgment and pride. "See what we are doing? The mecca is reaching into the community. We are good."

The rambler is the community. And it never really realizes the magnitude of that. It allows us to just be real. We can open our bibles and share what God is doing. Or we can crack open a beer and watch a football game.

I think God is in both places. I guess it just comes down to how you want to live. I've done the mecca. And truthfully? I learned from the experience. And now, I'm doing the rambler. Or at least figuring it out. And believe it or not...God is right here with me.

2008-07-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

Our family did the Torchlight 5K (Seafair in Seattle) on Saturday (7/26). It was a very low-key, fun and fairly festive occasion. Hope rocked it out (minus a few rough moments along the route). She and Lee finished with a big sprint...we were so proud of her!

Each race we do is a reminder to me of my health my weight and where I'd like to be - and how I'm going to get there. One step at a time, I suppose. Of late, a few long-niggling health issues are being dealt with. I'm sleeping much better and have a doctor appointment mid-August to take a hold of "the last" factor. Or one of the last. I'm hoping getting some things under control coupled with exercise is going to help me out.

We're leaving for Arizona in a few short days. Or a few long days. :) It will be so nice to get away. For so many reasons.

What a rambling post, eh? :) Not much to say - and so many words to say it in!

2008-07-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

This past four days have felt like 10 weeks. Seriously. The best part of my week, happened today as I walked out my workplace doors. I had miraculously snagged a front row parking spot. Remembering that fact and very quickly reaching my car (vs the normal lag when I'm in the north 40) was a beautiful thing. I almost had a jig in my step. Almost.

Actually, I think the best part of my week just happened five minutes ago. Hope has a friend spending the night. They are parked in the bonus room with Ladybug (our cat), perched victoriously between them. Hope heard me peek in. I asked if she wanted me to move the cat, she said, "No, she wants to be part of the slumber party too." Crazy cat. And one tolerant girl. :)

Not much to say. No witty banter. I've been very thankful for our weather. Even the overcast days have been a nice break between "heat waves." There is much going on in my little life -- and much processing to be done. It's not a bad place to be - just a lot of work.

I am reading some fantabulous books. Lady of the Snakes. Searching for God Knows What. The Kite Runner. And a study on Ephesians.

So like I said.....my front row parking spot was a beautiful thing. And the highlight of my week. Next to Ladybug. Parking spot trumps cat. Every time. :)

Here's to Friday! :)

It's the Girl Scout Pledge....

2008-07-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

:) Hope went to her first day of Girl Scout camp today. If you know my child at all (and many of you don't), we didn't go without much angst. And a small trickle of a tear. It's day camp. Hope is shy. And many of her troop were in the same unit she was. God blessed us with a co-leader whose daughter is shy and worry-laden as well. And a day of sunshine and good fun.

I prayed for her throughout the day. Waited for my cell phone to ring. And drove to pick up one happy, chatty Girl Scout pledgin' girl. She even has a speaking part in the finale' skit on Friday.

I wondered for a brief moment if I'd grabbed the wrong girl. I think Girl Scouts is good for her confidence. Or at least that's what we've been observing.

Tonight is VBS at church. Not the best laid plan...especially since I'm one of the snack ladies, but hopefully, it will be fun, go quickly and we'll fall into bed tonight like two tired heaps.

And find the stamina to do it 4 more days this week.

Hasta!

Pain Tolerance

2008-07-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

by Carla Barnhill

Why we shouldn’t rush our friends through difficulties

I like to fix things. Or, rather, I like to fix people. Someone comes to me with a problem, and I want to make it better—now. But lately, I’ve watched several friends live through terrible situations: crumbling marriages, failing careers, dying children, withering spirits. And I can’t do a thing to make them better.

I grew up in a Swedish family that didn’t do well with emotion, particularly “negative” emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, grief. The Scandinavian way is to push through and do whatever’s necessary regardless of feelings. Added to that mindset is my generation’s belief that talking about a problem long enough will make it better. As if those propensities weren’t enough, I always want to be the friend who gives the best advice, who comes through and saves the day. So because of my Swedish instinct to run from pain, my Gen X desire to discuss a problem’s every nuance, and my chronic need to help, I tend to rush people through life’s hard parts. As I listen to these friends whose spouses are leaving or whose parents are sick or whose jobs are gone, I have to work hard to keep my mouth shut and my ears open.

My heritage, age, and personality aren’t the only factors that make patience with pain a struggle for me. My faith—at least, the Christian culture surrounding my faith—has done little to help me develop pain tolerance. And I’m not the only one. Anyone who’s gone through a difficult situation knows the least helpful words often come from Christians. When my friend suffered a miserable breakup and then saw a promising job offer fall through, the last thing she needed to hear was all this ickiness befell her because “God has something better in store.” Yet a well-meaning mutual friend told her exactly that. And it did the opposite of help.

Certainly, I believe God does have something better for my brokenhearted friend. And she believes that as well. But too often, we Christians use such phrases not to shore up someone’s hope, but to hurry that person out of her pain. We want to say something—anything—to stop her hurt.

When I try to fix my friends’ problems, I’m usually doing so because of my discomfort with their feelings. I actually handle my own pain better than others’ pain. Maybe because I want people to think of me as the friend who helped them the most. Maybe because I’m afraid I won’t have the emotional energy to be supportive for more than a few days. Or maybe because I like my friends to be happy so they can keep me happy. Whatever the selfish reason behind my efforts to make everything better, they’re about me, not my friends.

But when Jesus talked to people in pain, he didn’t push them through it. He walked with them as long as needed (John 4:1–26). He asked them questions (John 8:1–11). He shared their sorrow (John 11:1–36). In 2 Corinthians 1:3, Paul writes, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” God isn’t “the Father of constant happiness and joy.” Paul assumes life includes suffering and pain. Joy comes from having a God who cares for us and stays with us no matter what. I want to be that kind of friend. Not a friend who pushes or has all the answers, but a friend who listens and sits and comforts. I want to be a friend like Jesus.

blog much?

2008-07-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Not really. And not in a very long time. The blogosphere has been calling to me, but I just haven't been in the mood to write. Not really sure I am now, so we'll see what happens. I have a feeling it will be long. And random. So hang on...

A friend of mine (P) lost her husband a little over one month ago. He took his own life. She's also a co-worker and rejoined our team today after a month of what I believe is the most unimaginable time. In the midst of tears and pain, she had us laughing during our devotional call. Or maybe we had one another laughing. She shared the most hysterical story that may lose something in the translation, but I'm going to give it a shot....

After seven days of themed Texan fellowship preceding the memorial and for many days after, P went for a walk down her street. She met up with one of her elderly neighbors and in her best southern drawl, relayed the following.

N: P, what the he-yell kind of party do you have goin' on at your house? There are cars and cars and more cars. What kind of fun are you havin' down there?

P: Oh, my husband died, Sally (not really her name). My friends have all gathered and are staying with me.

(neighbor grabs her hand, looks intently into her eyes and says...)

N: Oh darlin', I need to tell you somethin'. As bad as it is now, it's only going to get worse. So much worse.

She came over later with a basket and a book entitled, "Widow to Widow." We all decided that the term "widow" wasn't one that we were embracing. At least for today. P is still trying to get her head around the term "suicide" and the fact that in some unfathomable fashion, God allowed this to enter her life. And to end her husband's.

We laughed and we cried. What else can you do? In the midst of of the pain and craziness and making her way back to a God she doesn't feel very sure of or safe with right now, she and her girls are making note of the unbelievable things people are saying to them. And finding laughter.

As we listened and drank in the words of our sister and co-worker, a book came to mind. One I had read when Lee's Mom died. "Where is God When it Hurts?" by Philip Yancey. He writes about the problem of pain - how to meet people where they are at in suffering -- and addresses the unbelievable things folks feel compelled to say in the face of tragedy. I offered up the memory, to which Peggy said. "You'll never believe this, we were with Philip Yancey during the new year. He sent a card to us after the memorial. Let me find it." She read it. And his words were beautiful. Just right. No answers. No attempt at a quick fix or directive. Just sharing the pain through eloquent and thoughtful words. I was grateful that he was able to retain his standing as one of my favorite Christian authors.

I'm still trying to imagine receiving a card from Philip Yancey. I'm excited when James and Shirley Dobson include me in their mass Christmas card mailing. ha!

My heart has been heavy for so many things of late. Amazingly, God still shows up. He doesn't seem to be in the business of delivering me from difficult paths, but He's still there. Asking me to rely on him and no one else. He brings peace. Helps his kids to just hang in there with Him. Helping me believe that even through the worst (albeit relative) pain, there is still a purpose. One that He is working out - maybe for heaven's sake alone, but still...working.

Through my own winding and difficult path, the summer has taken some twists and turns - and still is truthfully. What I do know is...last week, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity to join three fabulous ladies for a live (well, live taping) of NPR's gameshow, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" at the Paramount. It's a quiz show on current events/news. The weather was spectacular. The conversation just right. We found the opportunity to celebrate the denial of our dear friend's relocation - something that didn't seem possible to celebrate just a few weeks prior. But I think we did it. I know we are all (selfishily?) so glad she'll be in close locale.

I haven't laughed and smiled so much in a very long time. I won't waste space trying to recreate the humor...just know, it was rich. I highly recommend subscribing to their podcast. Funny stuff. Note: I am a news junkie, so if that's not your thing, scratch my recommendation. The evening was a wonderful break - a breather, even. God was in it. This much I know.

The telecommuting aspect of my job has been an enormous blessing for so many reasons. So thankful for it. Especially right now. My Dad/stepMom visited a few weekends ago. We ate too much, went to Meeker Days, watched Indiana Jones 4 (so not my thing, but enjoyed it!) and were sad to see them go. Hope and I were trying to go home with them for a week...but t'wasn't possible. I did spend many hours on the phone with my littlest sister Katie and have been moved, changed and so thankful for our deep discussions...and the not so deep ones. :) "Now that we've found love, what are gonna do..." Co-dependent no more. Co-dependent no more.

Ah....and finally, my very strong and determined neighbors participated in the Seafair Half Marathon this past Sunday. In the heat of the day (91 degrees!), I am told that the hills of Seafair made our Tacoma experience seem flat. So proud of them. Inspired to begin the search for the next half marathon for myself (and peeps)....and glad I didn't try to participate myself. I don't think I could have made it in the heat. But I have soaked in every story.

So there is the past month, in a nutshell. :) "Library Mondays' are back in full-swing. I highly recommend "Divine" by Karen Kingsbury. Christian fiction - but a book I poured through in 4 hours. One very late night. A modern day Mary Magdalene. Very, very good. I have my summer reading list ready to go...maybe I'll share that in another blog.

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him." Job 13:15 a.

Be blessed! k

Some valleys, a little darkenss and a few glimmers of light....

2008-06-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been grueling. Really. I haven't had much of a blog spark in me - and am truthfully unsure if it's with me now, but am giving it a shot.

Fresh off the heels of our Mazatlan vacation, our team (work) was hit with devastating news. Our show host and managing editor's husband took his own life. I don't have a lot of words for this except that Mark and Peggy have loved the Lord all of their lives. From what I can tell through watching the service, reading the obituary comments and the outpouring of love for this 20-year marriage counseling veteran, He was "Jesus with skin on." To say our friend/colleague and her college-aged daughters are devastated is the understatement of the year. God has been present, to be certain - but there are no real answers for the way Mark ended his life or the pain that is left behind for his loved ones to wade through.

There are a few other precious people in my life who are walking through such extreme times right now. Some of them have been for years. Some travel in and out of it. There was a point last week where I felt like I could sink from the weight of it. The desperate need to pray. The question of how to pray in the face of such dark and tragic needs. The questions for God of "why" and "how" and "how long?"

One of these precious people is wrestling with tremendous health issues. She has been for years - but this time it's serious. And it's scary. And I think she summed it up best:

"As I walk through this very painful time, it is NOT helpful to have my loved ones remind me of what the Word says. Or how I should be walking. Or what I should be hoping for. What I really need is for someone to say: 'I don't know why this is happening to you. I love you. God loves you. Let's pray.'"

This friend of mind is heavily immersed in ministry (aka a calling on her Christian life!). She knows her stuff and touches people and loves deeply. Same story with my co-worker and friend who lost her husband. And the others who are walking through painful times.

I guess I've just been taken aback by some painful times in my own little life right now - and the depth of darkness in the Godly lives of folks I love.

A few years back, I think I was one of those people tossing quick theology and snippets at people in pain. Today, I'm almost speechless in the face of so much. And weeping with them. And for myself. And on my face at the throne of my King asking that He might come. And meet us. And carry us through continued difficult days. We know the Word. We understand His promises. We are even able to "pull up our bootstraps" and find the hand of our Savior as He guides us through the murky waters. But He doesn't seem to be changing things. Or delivering us from the pain. Instead, He just walks with us through it. With no real promise of an end.

The biggest kicker is this: God doesn't promise us an easy life. He gave His son over to the most horrific death. The darkest darkness. The most unbelievable pain. Jesus asked for God to remove the task at hand from Him. But He didn't. He gave His beloved over. For us and for the greatest gift. Paul's thorn remained. Job lost everything. "The others" in Hebrews 11:35 suffered torture and beatings as they were faithfully seeking God - and didn't see any relief (reward) on earth until they were delivered to Heaven.

Hooey. That's a lot. I'm just wrestling this all through and it's been a lot. And a little isolated. But through the darkness and the pain surrounding me right now - God has been present. That much I know.

On a lighter note - I've been so happy to see the sunshine this weekend. Hope had a beach party on Friday that was a lot of fun. The sun peeked out for 10 minutes and all of the kids threw their clothes off (they had their suits on underneath). It was hilarious. :)

I went to the movies with my friend, Ginger. I've been a watcher of "Sex and the City" on regular tv (ie the cleaned up version) for the past few years. Mostly b/c it's on when I'm dozing off at night. Don't judge. :) So we went. And I loved it. Although, the movie wasn't the cleaned up version. Ginger brought popcorn rice cakes. The day was complete.

My neighbor Debbie graduated from community college and threw a party. It was a beautiful distraction for me, really. We ended the evening with a huge game of volleyball. It was quite a hoot.

This has been a rambling blog. But it's where I'm at. And God loves me anyhow. (whew!) Weep with those who weep. Rejoice with those who rejoice.

And still, He is on His throne...

k

Heman's Cry in the Darkness

2008-06-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

I've been diving into some sermons and the Word lately. This message, from one of my favorite pastors (Tim Keller) is so poignant and pointed and exactly for me. So I took notes and thought I'd share it on my blog. It will likely lose something in the translation of voice to written word - but it's so good. If you ever have the chance to download Tim's sermons - http://www.redeemer.com/. Amazing teaching.

Heman's Cry (Psalm 88)

Psalm 88 – is one of the darkest Psalms ever written. It is one of 2 psalms (psalm 39 is the other) that end with NO hope.

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave. [c]

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction [d] ?

12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

American Christians are very naïve about suffering in this life. When things go wrong, we are overthrown by it. We believe that we deserve things to work out well. That God will work all things out for our agenda. That He owes it to us somehow.

It’s simply not true. Or not always true. This psalm will help us understand this. If we listen to the messages from the psalm's center – the tough messages, we will be able to discern some wonderful messages that it are whipsered at its edges.

1. Spiritual and personal darkness can last a long time.

Psalm 88 is a prayer that ends without the slightest ray of light – what is the teaching on that? It is this: you can pray and pray and pray – live rightly and still be absolutely plunged for a long, long time into outside and inside darkness. When all the psalmist's prayers are over, he’s still in darkeness. Deep, abandoned darkness.

What is this darkness? Outside darkness is the externals of life. Nothing is going well. Family and friends have abandoned. There’s also a darkness inside – which makes the outside darkenss more difficult. Internal darkness in this case means the psalmist is trusting God as his Savior, but He does not feel God’s presence. He feels abandoned and trampled on by God. Experiencing one ofr the other kinds of darkeness might be bearable. Both kinds of darkness are overwhelming.

Doesn’t the bible say God is working all out for good (Rom 8:28)? It does. But it also contains Psalm 88. The bible also says that you may go all of your life and never know what the good purpose is. Psalm 88 tells us that we can go through long periods of darkness without God’s presence. American Christians are so naïve about this. We say, “I’m a good person. God would never let “this” happen to me.” SO what? Jesus was a good person too. And look what he went through.

2. These desperately dark times are the best place to learn about God’s grace.

This man is not controlling his temper, his tongue or emotion in this psalm. He is cross-examining God. He wants to praise God. He wants to declare His faithfulness – but how can he when he’s being trampled to God. "Why are you not answering me? " He’s mad! Verse 15 to the end – he’s taking the difficulty of his present and saying ‘you have never been there for me, God.” He is not speaking respectfully to God. This only makes this psalm further evidence of God’s grace.

On Psalm 88 and 39’s “blasphemous” tone, Derek Kidner says, “The very presence of these prayers in scripture are a witness to God’s understanding. He knows how men speak when they are desperate.” The fact that God kept these prayers in the bible is proof that God knows how we speak when we are desperate. He is not our God because we put on a happy face in the depth of deep pain. Very liberating.

3. Dark times are often the best place for you to grow into someone great.

These are times where you don’t seem him working around you – or feel His presence internally. You’re getting absolutely nothing out of prayer. Nothing out of serving God. Nothing is “paying off.” There is NO benefit. This is dual darkness.

Think of Job. Satan said to God, “Does Job serve God for nothing?” Meaning – Job is serving God only because “it pays.” Pays off in God’s blessing and peace. Satan went on to say that all people are only serving God for the benefits they receive. So Satan said, “Plunge Job into darkenss. Remove any benefit of serving you at all. No peace. Take it all away from him. He won’t continue to serve you.”

Unfortunately, Satan is right in many instances. We want something from God. And as soon as things get tough and prayers are answered and we see God not answering our prayers…we struggle.

Back to Psalm 88. As bad as things are – the psalmist is screaming and despondent and angry. But he is these things TO God. He is still with God even though he’s getting nothing from Him. What does this mean? Satan is defeated! This man is staying with God for nothing!!

When you move into dual darkness – where serving and praying to God results in nothing – a great choice comes to us. A question from God: “Now, we’ll see finally whether you got in this relationship to serve me or to basically get me to serve you. Because I am not serving you.” In this darkenss, if you just hold on – and can only say, “God, I don’t like you. I don’t understand you. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to pray and serve as best I can because you are God. Not because you are working my life out – because you are God and I will serve you. No matter what.” What happens? Satan is defeated – and you are growing.

And when the darkness lifts – and it will - the tenacity to stick with God within the pressure you felt will change you (like a lump of coal into a diamond). You will be someone who serves God for nothing. It’s only in these dark times that you will develop a soul that cannot be dominated.

“Even as hope seems to die, it turns into a new strength as we serve God for nothing.”

It’s in the darkness that you are most likely to become “a great heart.”

4. Darkness can be relativized.

When you are in the darkness, it feels absolute. The psalmist who penned psalm 88 is Heman. Heman felt that the darkness was absolute and permanent – which was wrong. How do we know? We know from 1 Chron 6 that Heman was a leader of musicians and poets. Their songs are in Psalm 40 and 80. If Heman helped write some of the greatest psalms and music – this darkness helped turn him into a great artist. Do you think that (in his darkness) Heman ever thought 2,500 years later that we’d be gathering to talk about his art?

Heman was wrong. God hadn’t abandoned him. It wasn't absolute. It was subjective. And we can know this too. We have the perspective to know that when we feel totally abandoned in our darkness, God is still with us.

End of Psalm 39. End of Psalm 88. “Turn your face away from me God.”

As Jesus died, darkness came down over all the land. Jesus actually got the ultimate and total darkness in his death. He was absolutely and truly abandoned in his death. Why was God’s face turned away from him?

The answer: Everything Satan said is true. We do exploit God. But God wants to forgive us. For God to forgive us, our inordinate self-centeredness and trampling on one another…he came to earth as Jesus Christ. He took the ultimate wrath. Jesus was abandon – so that when we feel abandoned, we are not. When the ultimate darkness was coming in the Garden of Gethsemane, he Didn’t leave. He didn’t abandon His call when His father turned his face.

God hasn’t abandon us. Jesus already paid the debt. He loves us. Jesus is working in our abandonment.

What does this mean? There’s an answer to the psalmist’s question.

The resurrection makes it impossible to be in utter darkness. Even if you are IN total darkness. And the darkness can happen at any time – even if you don’t deserve it and without you knowing why. BUT, there are answers and a purpose. And someday, you will know it.

we found the internet cafe....

2008-05-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

...but I've forgotten my USB cord for the camera. ;-(

Mazatlan has been...an adventure. :) The resort we're staying at is beautiful. The ocean view from our suite is breathtaking. The pool has been fun - and we are all properly scorched after our 3rd day of sunbathing. We're heading into "town" today anyhow...so no pool until the evening.

I will say that the trip from the airport to Mazatlan didn't leave me feeling good about traveling to this touristy-hotspot. Maybe it's because I work for a humanitarian agency and I know what these traps do to poverty. The ride to the resort was not beautiful or representative of the pictures we see of mazatlan's resorts. It was a picture of poverty, really.

That's through my own eyes. Unsolicited opinion.

We've had a lot of bumps and hiccups along this little trip. It will be interesting to see how the week rounds out. Right now I would say, that travel to Mexico probably isn't for us. BUT...that may be too soon of a prediction and shortsighted on my part.

I do know that the ocean is lovely. The weather is wonderful. And today we will be traveling into the city for shopping and some local exposure (outside the world of this sequestered resort).

My sun-burned shoulders are signing off for the day...

Hasta luego!

Sunnier skies are [hopefully] around the corner...

2008-05-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of me. Worshiping the sun. Or my God who made the sun. Or both.

Can you believe this ooky weather? I was standing out with my neighbor after work tonight and we decided it felt like late October instead of one week from June. It was so frosty, we could see our breath. Bleh. ;-( I am longing for more of that beautiful warmth we experienced over the weekend. 90 degrees of it, I believe!

The good news is...we are headed to Arizona tomorrow and Mazatlan on Saturday. Staying....

right here. At the Emerald Bay resort. Looks sunny, doesn't it?

It's been a long four-day week. Long and a little overwhelming.

Some one-liners to part with:

David Cook is the winner. If you don't know what that mean, it's quite a loss.

My neighbor and friend, Ginger makes THE BEST cake ever. And it is easily enjoyed while watching David Cook win.

We are tan. Maybe a little too tan. I do love a nice tanning bed.

Cold. Hope has one. Am hoping her little ears are good during flight. There are some handy earplugs made for just such a thing. We shall buy some in the morning.

I am packed. My house is clean. Ginger is feeding Ladybug while we're out. And I feel strangely calm. It's not a trip if I'm not running mad....I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something.

Is it possible that I'm forgetting the madness?

Have a fabulous week. I am very selfishly praying for sun, sun, sun...here I come!

Dandelion tea. Not so much.

2008-05-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I keep reading about the amazing benefits of dandelion root tea. My Dr. Gillian prescribes it (BBC). Jillian Michaels (biggest loser) recommends it in her book. Everywhere I turn, folks are praising the tea of the dandelion.

If you know me much, you may know that I am a lover of medicinal teas. Traditional Medicinals is my favorite brand. I swear by their Echinacea Plus immune building tea. So tonight, as Hope and I browsed the aisles of Fred Meyer (okay, we weren't browsing. I was somewhat bribing her down the aisles with the promise of "the crane")...I decided to pick some of this uber-healthy, possibly weight-reducing tea up.

Two words: Nas-tee. I can deal with not-so-great tasting things in the name of health. I've adapted to wheat flour. Garbanzo flour. All natural peanut butter. Unsalted nuts. Raw almonds. Agave sweetener. Balsalmic vinegar. Seriously. I have adapted to them all. But tea of the dandelion? It has tested my wherewithall. I did drink it (actually, I held my breath and chugged it after cooling down). An hour later, the after taste seems to be leaving.

Oh sweet dandelion - I am in for the long haul. Or at least for the duration of the teabags in your box - because you didn't come at a bargain price. I don't think our relationship will be filled with flowery moments (no pun intended) or savory sips of relaxation.

The no brainer of the night: did I really believe that a DANDELION would be a tasty tea specimen?

In other news (smile)...the Mary Tyler Moore cast is on Oprah! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that show. I grew up on it. Or did I grow up on the re-runs. I took Opie off my tivo, but I've just collapsed into my chair for a spell and tripped over it. They don't do television like they once did, that's for certain. Carol Burnett show, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, That Girl...sigh. I just hugely dated myself, didn't I?

We are "frantically" preparing for our trip to Mexico. We fly to Phoenix on Friday - and out with Lee's family to Mazatlan on Saturday. I hope it's a good trip. I'm hesitant - simply because we don't travel out of country for vacations and I'd rather be in...Hawaii. Or Phoenix, even. I'll likely come back singing the praises of this new land...and begin preparing for our next trip. Looking forward to sun. And pool. And time with familia.

On the marathon front....I am recovering. I did something to my calves during the last 3 miles of the race. Like a not-so-good something. I tried hitting some hills last week - and regretted it. I headed out on Saturday for a 4.5 mile jaunt and felt pretty good. Today, Hope and I ventured out for 2 miles...we went up the hill once - and no twinges. I also...

had a fabulous massage today. My good friend Shannon was at work today - doin' massages. She gave me time on her table -- adn some pressing and popping....but I feel so much better. Shannon would tell you that my back and legs need some help...and some stretching beyond-measure. But I feel better.

Now if I could just get rid of that dandelion tea aftertaste.

the rest of the story....

2008-05-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

I still have "marathon on the brain." But there's more to tell. Like...I came down with the cold of all colds a few weeks ago - just four days before I flew to Chapel Hill, NC for business meetings. Four very long (but very productive) eastern time zone meetings.

We stayed at the Carolina Inn. An old home of someone important. Renovated and pristine. And tres southern.It actually creeped me out a bit, but I rode through it. Here's a pic of the lobby. My suite looked as if Laura Ashley had, well, thrown up in there. :) Grits were on the menu. Nuff said.
Our hotel was in the center of the University of North Carolina's campus. Lots of interesting places to eat, including "Sugarland" - home of lovely baked goods and homemade gelato, seen above. Tiramisu and white chocolate were my favorites. Two nights in a row. Mmmhmmm.
What's this blurry shot? None other than Barack Obama walking out of the Carolina Inn's hotel doors. It's a true story. Our entire radio team perched for close to an hour just to catch a glimpse.
Here he is again - heading to his ride. He's third up, if you're counting from the back. My camera phone was slow - otherwise I'd have caught the wave and the wink he gave the masses. Turns out, B-O (i love to refer to him that way) spoke at UNC and was staying at our hotel. I ran into press and whirlwinds of black cars and police as I came back from my early morning walk. He's not someone I'd vote for, but it was something to see his "secret service" and darkened cars and so on.
Two nights before I left for NC, Hope was in urgent care with a hurting ear. Turns out, she had a left over tube encapsulated in wax. Upon my return (as I battled the flu), we went in for a somewhat "emergent" surgery to remove said tube. It was quick and painless. Although, as you can see above, she was intense prior to surgery. And a little worried.
Something called "the giggle wind" truly gave Hope the funniest disposition. For about an hour.
She was all smiles as the nurse readied her for departure to the car. The smiles disappeared about 30 minutes later - as the giggle wind blew far, far away.
Here's a shot of determination and I think, a little exhaustion. Around mile 8 of the Tacoma City Marathon. The lady next to me was my gauge for a few miles. We were passing one another for quite a while.

And here is the blessed mile 13. Perched precariously on the most beautiful and much-needed downward slope. Brought a tear to my eye. But no jig in my step.

Hasta. k

Hills and Mountains

2008-05-10T21:57:00.001-07:00

This was taken right around mile 10. I was hot and tired and feeling a little snap-happy. :)

I had an entirely too detailed post on the half-marathon ready to make "live" - and then, I changed my mind. Only my trail cohorts and I are interested in the blow-by-blow war stories. So here are some highlights:

1. Our Team. Doing the marathon with what ended up being eight peeps was amazing. We had a little team effort going - through the training, our "night before" carb-loading celebration and throughout the actual course. Words can't really do it justice. Here's a shot of us the night before...and the morning of.

In the back..Lee, Danielle, Kris and Ginger. In the front...Liz and Consuela (aka Connie). Our back deck after a full-meal carb deal. :)

This is the "morning of." About 30 minutes before race time. Lee and Connie are having a moment - topic shall remain "unspoken." The Lord heard and Lee needed a porta potty on the course. Nuff said. :) So this is Lee, Kris, Liz, Ginger, Danielle, Lori, Connie and Cindy.

2. The course. When they said "train for hills" they really meant "train for mountainous, energy sapping, long-winding mountainous climbs. That's what they meant. Is it fair to say that 3/4 of the course was a hill? I think it probably was.

3. The duration. We all came in about 20 minutes from one another. Lee was first with a pretty amazing 2:52. We trained to walk - but Lee jogged the first 4 and blew his knee out. He walked the rest of the way and still made great time. Ginger followed 20 minutes later; Connie/Cindy 20 minutes after that; Danielle/Lori 20 after than and Liz/I 20 after that.

4. Mile 10. A few things happened at mile 10. I realized that I was going to have to walk up the three huge hills I had just come down, but put it to the back of my mind. I was still hopeful at that point. I passed my husband as he was looping back (we turned around at 8.5 miles and retraced steps to the end of the course). He didn't have the heart to tell me that I was still 2.5 miles from the turnaround point. I was enjoying some of the only flatlands on the course down by Ruston Way and a GU pack that surprisingly gave me a a needed boost of energy!

Waterfront view along the flatlands of Ruston Way. A mile or two before heading back up the mountainous hills.

4. The final hill. It was unbelievable really. Just after mile 10, my right calf seized up. But it was "stretchable." Liz caught up with me and we tailed one another for a spell. After another GU hit and some stretching, I caught that the hills were truly seizing my calves. I just decided to push through. At points, those poor calves of mine felt like they were going to pop from the pain. Have I mentioned that we didn't train for hills? Not even once. ;)

5. We lied. There are four more hills. It's true. We reached the top of Schuster Park way with a small wave of nausea. We were on mile 12 and knew 13 was just around the corner. Actually it was around 5 corners - and four of them accessible by one steep Tacoma hill after another. Liz and I took turns encouraging one another. I had already pretty much claimed Schuster Parkway for the Holy Spirit adn thought my preaching was done. Little did I know that more Jesus pleas were to be had. I actually reminded myself (outloud, ask Liz) of the kids in Africa who travel miles for clean water (duh, one of the reasons we were walking in the first place!) and the people of Myanmar who are facing such desperate/dark times. This was nothing. Right?

6. The finish line. Was, PRAISE GOD, on a downhill trek. The only one of the last 3 miles - but it was downhill and looked glorious. Liz jogged over it. My screaming calves and I strolled. And did it in 3:52. I had been aiming for under 4 hours - and did it. I lost a lot of time in the last 4 miles...but I am SO okay with that.

High fives, victory hugs and whoops and hollers were all part of our big finish. My sister in law, Karen spent the night and brought Hope up to see the big finish. Our names were called as we crossed. We received medals and our times are posted on the web. And we hobbled down a very long flight of stairs to reach the free food. Bananas and Tim's Cascade chips never tasted so good. :) It was a for-real marathonin' experience.

Tacoma News Tribune Pics: http://www.thenewstribune.com/942/story/357337.html

I'm really so proud of everyone. It's been fun to catchup, share details and war stories and still be encouraged! We all worked so hard - and everyone completed what turned out to be a REALLY hilly and challenging course. I'm ready for the next one and have some new goals in sight. Consuela is with me and has even more challenging goals set for herself (and to that I say "booya!").

Besides the comraderie that we experienced, the huge laughs along the way and the bonding of the marathon trail (and the mystery of the portapotty), Connie and I have been fundraising for the past few months. We are at the 38 percent mark of a really huge goal ($4800 for a well in Africa). I think we are both so amazed and blessed by the amount that we've been able to raise. Thank you, Jesus! :)

So that's it in a nutshell. My original blog took you through ever stop, nook, cramp and cranny of marathon day. You should be glad I spared you. Or maybe this was worse? :)

Lee and I weren't really sore yesterday - but find ourselves hobbling and limping around when moving from sitting to mobility. :) It's provided a few laughs, that's for certain. It's been a nice Mother's Day ... sitting on the other side of a huge and accomplished goal.

Thanks for the support of those who have been praying and for those who have donated so selflessly! If you're still in interested in donating, we're keeping the site open for one more week!

www.lifetoday.org/goto/teamlivingwater

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

Be Blessed!!!

does it pay to be early?

2008-04-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

As per my usual, I'm settled in at the airport about 80 minutes before boarding. Connecting to wireless and catching up on email and a good blog.

yes, I'm a good hour and 40 minutes before the plane leaves the ground. I'm flying with my friend, Shelly today. I believe her ride is picking her up at this very moment. 7 am. When we were figuring out how we would get to the airport, having flown with me before, she said: "Let's ride to the airport separately. I'll stress you out." She's flown with me before. And, she's right.

I arrived at the airport at....

...wait for it...

...wait for it...

5:50 am.

It's true. And I'm a little nutz. Not a gun-wielding, prozac-popping nutz, but maybe a little OCD. Maybe. Maybe not. [is my purse with me? is my wallet in my purse? is my boarding pass still in my bag? did I bring my phone? do I have my credit cards? is my purse still with me? is my wallet in my purse? is my....]. Okay, I am.

Lee and Hope are picking his sister Sandra up from the airport around noon today. It didn't make sense to have them go to the plane parking lot twice today - esp. since it's a 45 mile drive from our country abode. I 'shuttle expressed' it from Danielle's this morning at 5:15 am. It was a nice, stress-free jaunt, to be sure.

It took an hour to check in. The handy e-ticket machine always sends me to customer service to check-in anyhow (?). [maybe the machine knows that I have the time to spare?] Security wasn't packed - but the search through our goods was long. Security-level orange, it seems. I had to ditch my bottled water [from home]. And then the journey to "gate N" was no short gig.

When all is said and done, I'm guessing it will take Shelly an hour to make it to the area of "N" as well. She'll breeze through the boarding gate with moments to spare. We flew to Minnesota (or was it Canton, OH?) together years ago. Pre-mommyhood, I was even more on the ocd side. She rolled onboard with literally, 2 minutes to spare. A smile on her face. She had the corporate card that was funding our trip and I was nearly a puddle on the floor. I think I have more-troubleshooting skills. Heck, that was 11 years ago! I have many more.... :) bring it!

I don't know what make us all tick. Or why I am completely OCD when it comes to being on time or arriving uber-early for just about anything in my life. I guess I like to allow for the possiblities. A traffic jam. Long lines at security. Not enough time to get my Starbucks' fix.

I was "fondly" remembering my October trip to Chicago. Due to ridiculous self-imposed circumstances, I arrived 40 minutes before boarding. My baggage had to be checked and didn't show up at the other end b/c I missed the deadline. I had to beg, borrow and plead my way through a 5 am rush in the security line. And I ran to board the plane. I was literally one of the last folks on the plane. I was so thankful I had carried my marathon gear with me.

I was so stressed out, it nearly did me in.

I'm finished with my coffee. I'm downing a little airborne and my allergy pill and have seemingly sat through the first round of travelers in the food court. I'm okay with that. :) I have two magazines to rifle through...Runner's World and The New Yorker. It looks like Tina Fey's Baby Envy, Hendrik Hertzberg's notes on feeling bitter and the Folksinging Detectives and a 3-day-a-week training plan are waiting for me. Time to log off, head to the bathroom and organize myself for boarding. Forty minutes and counting.

Signing off from the land of ocd and all things planned and early.

:)

she cleaned. she sneezed. she left.

2008-04-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's been one unbelievable week. And not in a good way. I'll spare you the deets at this point. I'm trying to leave them in the past.

The major downside was not getting in my last long walk. I was scheduled for 14 miles on Friday. I came down with a fairly horrific cold on Tuesday/Wednesday...that laid me out on Thursday and Friday. This morning, it made it's way to my chest. Not sure if that's good or bad. Hope also developed an ear infection on Thursday evening....so we were in urgent care that evening and at the doc again on Friday morning. I wasn't sure I felt worse for...my little one - or myself. When we got to urgent care, the doc thought I was the one being seen with my plugged up self. :)

Thursday was "bring your child to work day" - and so bring her, I did. She lasted the entire day. I got most of my work done and she was quite a helper (when she wasn't doing algorhythms on Shelly's white board). This pic was taken (and photoshop'd) by my friend, Melissa - during the 2 hour activity time for parents and kids. Hope made a AIDS Caregiver Kit, took a tour, did a little worship and a little praying. It was a good time. I felt horrible (cold), but it was neat.

Lee's sister, Sandra is coming to stay while I'm gone. Our house is a clean museum today. Sandra is a rug-raker (and I love her!) ... I think Lee is a rug-raker at heart, but I'm not. So he was in his "zone" today. I'll be back on Thursday to muss things up. :)

And so...there it is. I'm close to being packed. I'm a little worried about this niggling cough I seem to be developing...but will deal with it tomorrow night and find a drugstore if needed. My week in North Carolina will be filled with meetings...and a 3 hour time difference. I'm looking forward to seeing a little bit of the area (never been there)...and to get back home to my people. I'm bring my shoes and am determined to find time to walk (train). Two more weeks until the big day!

If you feel so inclined, please be praying that my little one stays healthy whilst I'm away. Her throat has been sore. ;( I'm hoping Auntie Sandra won't need an introduction to the nebulizer.

Be blessed!!

A cleaning frenzy...

2008-04-20T21:13:00.001-07:00

It's true. That's what happened at our house today. Why, you ask? My sister-in-law is coming to stay with Hope and Lee while I'm in North Carolina (for work). My husband is a neatnik extraordinaire...but his sister is Queen Neatnik. I love her. Raked rugs, alphabetized refrigerator and all. Lee will be in heaven after she departs. Sadly, I won't be able to keep up with that particular madness for the long-haul. I've got my own quirkiness to deal with. Oh, I kid. Kind of. :)

So our normally clean house is now deeply clean. (?). Lee is at peace and I'm sort of afraid to move. But I will. And it will be mussed up within a few days. I've been trying to join my man in more and more things that are of interest to him...but the frantic cleaning is something I'm happy to just hand on over to him. Surprisingly, he took it. Rest assured, I did my part. He was upstairs with the vacuum for about an hour in one room today. I just praised the Lord for his love for "the clean" and let him continue.

It snowed off and on all weekend long. The weather is a particular madness that I'm just about done with. As we ate dinner tonight, the three of us watched hail cover our deck in 3 inches of icy wonder. It's gotten to the point of ridiculousness. I'm tempted to erect an igloo out front.

The marathon training only has a few more weeks left, believe it or not. I've been doing some juggling of training days due to my schedule and upcoming travel. Lee decided he wanted to do his 14 miles yesterday...so off he went. South Prairie to Puyallup - 14.5-ish miles in the pouring rain, freezing hail and snow. He walked a 13.2 minute mile. That boy is pretty fast. And now, he's pretty sore. :) Connie and I are attempting our 14 in about five days. I wasn't up for it this weekend.

Hope and I made some uber healthy peanut butter/banana muffins tonight. With wheat flour. They aren't half bad. Might be better with chocolate chips...again, I kid. Kind of. :)

Church was fabuloso today. Our Pastor is doing a series on witnessing and has been challenging us with good questions. He's been talking about faith...a lot. And I like his biblical view. And the reality that life as Christians will be full of trials and tribulations -- and how to not only find Christ in the midst of that...but allow ourselves to shine something to others along the way. Lord knows, I can offer a hearty amen to that theology. Life is no cakewalk, peeps. No cakewalk, indeed. Hope seems to be enjoying Sunday school...and received an attendance award today (3 weeks in a row). :) She was pleased - and received a pretty cool bubble kit. A nice distraction from the world of Webkinz that she seems to be a little obsessed with.

A few weeks ago, I signed up to help with VBS in July. I'm excited because it's held in the evening from 6 to 9 pm. Not only can Hope go...but I can volunteer. I knew I didn't want to lead a class of kids (not really my thing) - but wanted to help. They asked for a powerpoint creator and a snack leader today. I bit it and offered up the powerpoint skills ... and was relieved when somone beat me to it. Powerpoint + Kris = ick. I can whip my way through a presentation - but it's one of my least favorite things to do. :)

Two of us were standing together with an eye on the position of snack helper. Turns out, we are both 4 weeks' new to this church. Her name is Jennifer. She and her husband are from Missouri, they actually have some $$ down on some land in the five-acre plots next to our development. I know! :) We agreed to share snack duty -- and gabbed as we walked over to pick up our kids. We laughed at the fact that we both beelined for the snack position as a way to serve and get to know some peeps. And, if Lee decides to help with the snack shack, he could join in. Miracles do happen, you know. :) Although, I'm happy to allow the Lord to be the creator of those moments vs. myself. But oh, how I like to meddle. :)

Anyhow, my first friendly contact (outside of leaders and familiar Awana faces) in this new churching land. :) It was lovely. And encouraging. This church (I suppose I should start calling it "my church) has some family swimming at the Enumclaw pool every other week...and a skate night or two. I'm digging this smaller-church gig. I have to turn off my "comfort in being invisible" and replace it with a willingness to be known...but it's good for me. And I think...these peeps are the real deal.

I have one wild and wHooly week lying in front of me. I need to be on my knees every day for God to keep it ordered and in control. Last week, it (my week!) controlled me. :)

sidenote: Our pastor does his own powerpoint slides for his sermon. and holds his own remote 'clicker' to turn the slides from his computer on stage. I'm not sure anyone but Denise G. will appreciate this comment. It gives me a chuckle and puts a smile on my face everytime I see his self-generated graphics and lines and lines of originally created words come up on the screen. It's good. :)

Be blessed this week! :) k

my new favorite subject is reading...

2008-04-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I could get up out of this chair without waking Hope up. It's a perfect photo opportunity. She is lying in the guest room bed (and I'm typing in the recliner left in here from my sinus surgery) - and has fallen asleep reading her book. The cutest/funniest thing is the book is still in her hand--in the air like she's reading. Her eyes are closed and she's snoring. Those are the moments, eh?

I bought her a new book while she was at Awana tonight (it's kind of become "a thing" between us). I don't remember how it began. I think I bought a birthday present one night while she was doin' the Awana gig and this little "Judy Moody" book caught my eye. She finished it in 2 days. A little novelette, I guess you could call it. The following week, I bought the other Judy Moody book. A few weeks back, I tried again - but the little store was "sold out" of Judy Moody. I gave Ramona a try, but not so much a success.

Tonight, still no Judy Moody (I know, go to another bookstore, Kris). Instead, a copy of Nim's Island was staring me in the face. We saw the movie a few weeks ago - and LOVED it. The book seems to be having the same effect. Each turned page prompted Hope to call out, "Mom, I'm already on page 14. Now I'm on 15. Mom, I'm heading into Chapter 2." To quote my little one, "Reading is my new favorite subject. As long as I like the book." Well said, Shakespeare. Well said. :)

Confession: I am a book lover. Pre-children, I was an avid reader. Now, I just try. One of my favorite things is to get lost in a bookstore. Even if I never buy a blooming thing. I feel almost as emotional about the library. Maybe moreso because everything is FREE in there. Last summer Hope and I went to that free book place every Monday and had a ball.

The book has now made it squarely over her face. It's blocking the blazing overhead light in this lovely room. And now for the task of squiring my very sleep reader into her own little bed and burying my face in a book. My Bible, dontcha know. :)

Hasta. And happy page turning.

weekend wrapup

2008-04-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. We've just been so stinkin' busy. Or I have been. I'm not sure which.

Our weekend was non-stop....topping off what was a pretty jumbled Spring Break for Hope. She is now the proud owner of a trampoline...and one tuckered out Dad (ie Lee was home with Hope for most of the week. I don't have a picture of the glory to show you (the trampoline - not an exhausted Lee).

Lee, Connie and I hit the Orting trail for a 12 mile training walk. It was a hot day (which I welcomed!). It was really warm when we finished...but I felt pretty good at the end of the 12. I think we all did.

Consuela and I stopped around mile 10-ish to grab a photo op. If you look closely, the sweat is glistening off of my squinty face. Nice. Connie and I swapped Ipods at one point during the walk--it was kind of a nice boost to have some new and different tunes/sermons to cruise to.

This is simply the most ridiculous photo. I couldn't find my hat...it rained on us (last weekend - 8 miles)..and Lee looks like the Cheshire cat. :) But here we are anyhow....training spouses. ha! Connie and I finished the mileage in about 3 hours, 40 minutes. Not a terrific time -- BUT, we had a bathroom stop -- we strolled through part of mile 5 looking for the 6 mile mark and the last few miles we were kind of slow. Connie had a pinched nerve -- and I have no excuse.

Hope went to our neighbor Erica's 10th birthday party a few hours after our walk was through (we walked from 7:10 am to about 10:50 am). Her Mom asked if Liz and I would come over and lend a hand...so we did. I might add that I am living next door to Martha Stewart's more talented sister. Seriously. Everything from scratch. Cake extraordinaire. I was amazed. And a little inspired. Although not sure what I'm inspired to...I don't have that kind of talent. :)

Hope scooted from the party a bit early and we headed to Seattle's Safeco Field for a Mariners' game! Someone gave Lee some FANTASTIC tickets....the view is above. Row 39 - back from home plate. It was a super game- the M's wHooped the Angels...and Hope really enjoyed the game. And Auntie Karen joined us! I think we were all a little tired...but we had a great time.

Sunday was filled with a little churchin' for Hope and I (which was fabulous, I might add)...and a 15 mile bike jaunt for Lee, Hope and the neighborhood teenagers. Actually, I grabbed Hope after 7.5 miles in Orting and we went grocery shopping. Lee went to the McD's with the kids and rode back much later. I think he was pretty well fried at the end of the day--but he had a great day. He's great with kids. And I...not so much my thing. :) I'm great with .... computers. And ... lists. ha!

The next few weeks are jumbled and wild for me. I head to North Carolina in less than two weeks for some meetings (work). Lee's sis Sandra is coming to stay with Hope and make life a little easier on Lee. The half-marathon is less than 4 weeks away (mother's day weekend!)...i can hardly believe it's that close. But I'm very excited.

I am also very excited that my niece Ashley is blogging. Good times, good times indeed!

Be blessed this week! :)

Spring Break!

2008-04-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's true...Hope's on Spring Break. And I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Lee has the remainder of the week off. Why do I know that Hope is about to embark on a Hollywood Dad week? Eegads.
Not a lot new here. Just logging miles...we did eight this past weekend and are aiming for 12.5 this coming. That half marathon is just around the corner.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

Anyone who knows me well, knows I've been floating a little bit the past few years. I've been attending Foursquare in Puyallup, but just have never plugged in. On purpose. I needed to be anonymous and be fed. And Pastor Roger's teaching were life for me. Seriously. I just couldn't ever find my footing to plug in. Not them - t'was me. Or God.

Hope has been attending Awana at a little church in Enumclaw during this school year. We attended on Easter and again this weekend. I just returned from their monthly ladies' night and I think I'm in. It was a good experience. The teaching is good. The ladies seem real and I'm not sure there were many who didn't welcome me. Being the loner that I am, I grabbed a table by myself. Within minutes, I had four ladies sitting with me - chatting and interested in who I was. About 50 ladies tops....it was a really nice time. And these ladies seem to geniunely love the Lord. And food. :) I am down with that. I even signed up to bring a dish to the June ladies' night. I'm stepping out. And laying down roots.

I laugh at the fact that I thought the church might be too small. It's totally what I need. Actually, I think it's what we need. Hope could never find her groove at Foursquare either and sat with me most Sundays. She did the kid's church gig this past weekend and LOVED it. They are smaller classes - familiar faces and leaders from Awana. It's good.

I actually don't have much more to share than that. My brain has shut off...I think it's time for bed. I'm just very, very thankful.

G'night! :)

Simon Cowell will come to know Jesus. I'm sure of it.

2008-04-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

Yes- our family watches American Idol. And tonight, I watched both episodes from this week. I do love me some Dolly Parton. Don't judge. How did she get way with singing a song about Jesus in front of Simon? Will wonders never cease? Keeps thing interesting, that's for sure. When she ended with a "Hallelujah, Simon - how are you?" I just wanted to howl. Hence the title of my post.

And seriously - could Dolly Parton BE any cuter? To quote Paula, "I'd like to hang her from my rear view mirror."

The voteoff. I completely agree. Ramiele (sp). It was time for her to go. She's got some pipes - but I don't really dig her.

David Cook is my favorite. I do like those rockers. And Michael Johns is not only my "emotional" fave - but the boy can rock an ascot.

And there is my idol recap. :)

a few good things...

2008-04-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

The first good thing of the day? My cup of Starbucks' Komodo Dragon. Seriously. So good. :)

The second good thing? Our doorbell rang last night around 6:30 pm. Hope was outside playing - so I figured it was she and her friends being funny. I answered in the door in my lounging clothes (ie fleece pajamas) to find someone other than my daughter. She was from the church we visited on Easter - bringing cookies and a warm welcome. Funny what a plate of white flour and sugar will do - but it warmed my heart. :)

Hope has actually been going to Awana at this church all year long. And I've been sitting back, wondering if the joint was too small of a church for me (aka, will I have to be known?). I had a good conversation with a group of ladies and the worship Pastor at the Awana Spaghetti Feed last week. I think we've decided to jump in with both feet. Or I've decided, anyhow. :) Actually, I believe the Lord has decided. I miss being part of a church body. Or a church body with healthy leadership.

I best log off from this silly blog. I did a little jogging on the treadmill this morning and I have about an hour before I have to get moving. Meaning, an hour to listen to this week's show and start working on the web. Booya.

The Half-Marathon Trail...

2008-03-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well...our little training team made 11.5-ish miles yesterday. Heavy on the "ish." I truthfully think it was a little more..but maybe not. This weekend's team was Lee, me, Liz, Ginger and my Consuela. :)

We were all SO thankful for good weather. Meaning - NO SNOW. :) It was definitely cold..the sun made an appearance..and we actually got a little warm at the end. At least I did. And Liz. We were ready to remove layers. 'Nuff said. I have zero recollection of this photo op. Or Ginger being behind us with her handy Iphone. Or raising my hands above my head in a what must have been a victory moment. I do know this was a good 8 miles into our trek...and I think we were all feelin' it. That's Lizzie behind me. Lee and Connie are long gone.

This lovely (aka scary) phone photo was taken at somewhere around 9.5 or 10 miles. I look crazed. I think I may have been feeling that way. That's Ginger right behind me...and the tip of Liz's head is above my left side of my hat. Lee literally walks faster than most peeps run. And Connie was keeping time with him. I believe they finished 30 or more minutes before us. Fast flyers, that's for sure.

It was a good run. We have some funny stories to tell. More than anything - I'm so thankful for the group walking. It's so helpful to have folks along the way when I hit the wall 10 miles in (um, or sooner). And to ride home together as a group to share some laughs. Believe me, we had a few!

The half marathon is creeping up on us. We have two more long walk/runs - and we're there. I'm actually excited about it. I think we all were at the end of our 11.5 ... knowing we only had 2.5 miles more to make the marathon mileage. :) Yeehaw!

Finally....I grabbed a haircut in Friday. In the midst of the snow, I braved my way to Tacoma. Since I've shared some most unflattering photos of myself in this post, I'll share my new do as well. What the heck. :)

Front and back views. Pretty short.

And on that note...off to take a little advil and make some sense out of a house that was clean earlier today. Eegads. :)