all things are possible

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Hands-down. Candy canes and Christmas lights may as well be my middle name.

Seriously.

December 2009 finds me wondering how Christmas can possibly be 3 days away and where my Christmas spirit is. Is it even possible to find my 'ho-ho-ho' with so few days left? I'm not sure.

Today was my last day at work for - wait for it, wait for it - 12 days. That's right. I'm not sure I've ever been in more need of a break. Or if a break was ever more deserved. Sounds slightly puffed up, I know - but I have worked really, really hard over the past few months. At a speed that I truthfully don't want to try to keep up with.

Back to Christmas and those 3 days. I haven't gotten Christmas cards out. I tossed something together this week that I'm absolutely not sending. It's not my best graphic work, that's for sure - but we also have not one decent photo in our catalog, so to speak. The camera phone is dandy, but it's become our "go to" for photos and a good family photo it does not take.

The truth of today is this: I've spent a good portion of it feeling weepy and well, crying. It's so stupid really. There's this 8-year-old girl living within me who experienced Christmas at its heights and depths. Once upon a time, I belonged to a family who was knitted to one another. Two sets of grandparents, two parents, two sisters, a gaggle of cousins and some of the best food around. We gathered for all the holidays. No questions asked.

I'm thankful for my husband's family who close to 18 years ago, took this raggamuffin in and made me one of their own. Christmas celebrations at Lee's mama's were something to behold. God, I miss her so much.

The death of our family matriarch (lee's mama) has left such a void over the years. The lack of Jesus in the family doesn't help. But we've limped through the years and I think are finally experiencing a small version of what Christmas used to be.

I don't know why this day has left me so sad. I started out by saying that December has been rough. But what I really think is this:

Life is shorter than we can imagine. It's too short for lies and grudges and wounds. It's not long enough for grandparents to not know their grandkids. The mom of twins in Hope's class passed away in her sleep a few weeks ago at age 37. Sometimes, we don't have tomorrow to make that thing right. Or change a way, send a card or remember a birthday.

Sometimes, we just have to celebrate what we have. Happiness takes courage. At least it does for me. And I'm determined to bring some joy into the most important holiday of the year.

The birth of Jesus.