The past few weeks have been grueling. Really. I haven't had much of a blog spark in me - and am truthfully unsure if it's with me now, but am giving it a shot.
Fresh off the heels of our Mazatlan vacation, our team (work) was hit with devastating news. Our show host and managing editor's husband took his own life. I don't have a lot of words for this except that Mark and Peggy have loved the Lord all of their lives. From what I can tell through watching the service, reading the obituary comments and the outpouring of love for this 20-year marriage counseling veteran, He was "Jesus with skin on." To say our friend/colleague and her college-aged daughters are devastated is the understatement of the year. God has been present, to be certain - but there are no real answers for the way Mark ended his life or the pain that is left behind for his loved ones to wade through.
There are a few other precious people in my life who are walking through such extreme times right now. Some of them have been for years. Some travel in and out of it. There was a point last week where I felt like I could sink from the weight of it. The desperate need to pray. The question of how to pray in the face of such dark and tragic needs. The questions for God of "why" and "how" and "how long?"
One of these precious people is wrestling with tremendous health issues. She has been for years - but this time it's serious. And it's scary. And I think she summed it up best:
"As I walk through this very painful time, it is NOT helpful to have my loved ones remind me of what the Word says. Or how I should be walking. Or what I should be hoping for. What I really need is for someone to say: 'I don't know why this is happening to you. I love you. God loves you. Let's pray.'"
This friend of mind is heavily immersed in ministry (aka a calling on her Christian life!). She knows her stuff and touches people and loves deeply. Same story with my co-worker and friend who lost her husband. And the others who are walking through painful times.
I guess I've just been taken aback by some painful times in my own little life right now - and the depth of darkness in the Godly lives of folks I love.
A few years back, I think I was one of those people tossing quick theology and snippets at people in pain. Today, I'm almost speechless in the face of so much. And weeping with them. And for myself. And on my face at the throne of my King asking that He might come. And meet us. And carry us through continued difficult days. We know the Word. We understand His promises. We are even able to "pull up our bootstraps" and find the hand of our Savior as He guides us through the murky waters. But He doesn't seem to be changing things. Or delivering us from the pain. Instead, He just walks with us through it. With no real promise of an end.
The biggest kicker is this: God doesn't promise us an easy life. He gave His son over to the most horrific death. The darkest darkness. The most unbelievable pain. Jesus asked for God to remove the task at hand from Him. But He didn't. He gave His beloved over. For us and for the greatest gift. Paul's thorn remained. Job lost everything. "The others" in Hebrews 11:35 suffered torture and beatings as they were faithfully seeking God - and didn't see any relief (reward) on earth until they were delivered to Heaven.
Hooey. That's a lot. I'm just wrestling this all through and it's been a lot. And a little isolated. But through the darkness and the pain surrounding me right now - God has been present. That much I know.
On a lighter note - I've been so happy to see the sunshine this weekend. Hope had a beach party on Friday that was a lot of fun. The sun peeked out for 10 minutes and all of the kids threw their clothes off (they had their suits on underneath). It was hilarious. :)
I went to the movies with my friend, Ginger. I've been a watcher of "Sex and the City" on regular tv (ie the cleaned up version) for the past few years. Mostly b/c it's on when I'm dozing off at night. Don't judge. :) So we went. And I loved it. Although, the movie wasn't the cleaned up version. Ginger brought popcorn rice cakes. The day was complete.
My neighbor Debbie graduated from community college and threw a party. It was a beautiful distraction for me, really. We ended the evening with a huge game of volleyball. It was quite a hoot.
This has been a rambling blog. But it's where I'm at. And God loves me anyhow. (whew!) Weep with those who weep. Rejoice with those who rejoice.
And still, He is on His throne...
k
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