Lenten Thoughts - Day 6

“And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.” Anne Lamott

Rejoining life. Anguish and Joy. They co-exist together. Amen.

Lenten Thoughts - Day 5

I'm not going to lie (which would be especially uncool during Lent), I miss my television. Last night, after the house was quiet and the hours were all mine, she called to me. I wanted so badly to hang out and "catch up with my DVR." It probably says something that I've personalized my tv habit. My. She. Yeesh. At least I don't have a name for the television...yet.

Instead, I caught up with my bible study. Three weeks behind, yo. After watching, I don't think I was actually behind, I think the delivery was right on time.

Anguish and joy. They can and often do co-exist together. The very thing that has been one's horror can morph into the situation that brings the greatest joy. Anguish can become joy.

Still noodling on that one. Onward to Day 6 of Lent! "...your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy."

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy." John 16:20-22

Lenten Thoughts - Day 4

Saturday. Random thoughts.

I totally blew my meatless Friday without meaning to. And didn't even realize it until hours later. God's grace is bigger than that. :)

Life is quieter. I don't know if it's the absence of television or the pointed resolve to remove distractions and focus. Television was just one of those distractions.

Moments seem bigger. Movements are more recognizable. The quiet is full. My heart is learning to be still.

God has blessed me with such strong women in my life. A village of them. I don't pay enough attention to their movement in my daily life. I want to live in that village every day - not just visit it from week to week.

One of those glorious women shared the most private moment with me yesterday. She was so vulnerable. We trust deep. We cried together. And laughed through the tears and the snot. Life is so big. God is so much bigger. And she is so brave in the face of something so beyond understanding. Honored. Moved. Changed. We love.

My daughter woos my heart. Brilliant. Strong. Sassy. Hilarious. She's growing up in a place that is safe for her to be exactly who she is. She knows she is loved. She can give words to every thought and worry. We receive and love and speak life. She will never have to worry. We will always be there. Her heart grows up full, knowing this.

I learned so much from my mother-in-law. Vulnerable. Sweet. Loving. Honest. My sister-in-law and I reminisced about her the second day of Lent. It's less bitter and just sweet after so many years of missing her. We talked about the cards she sent us every week, even though we saw her every weekend. The trinkets she would give us from shopping trips as she thought about what would make us happy. The way she loved her man. Her desire to be with family always. She would have loved our girl with such wild abandon. My heart aches over the thought of what a gift that would have been for her.

Dottie loved in the moment. She WAS the moment. She never left. No matter what happened. Even through hurt feelings, she still came back. Her ability to love and keep her family together lives on. Her son, her precious boy. He loves this way. It's not something he has to try to do. He just knows this is how life should be. He keeps short lists of offenses. Their family embraces everything and still loves. Still connects. I'm so thankful to have been raise up by these people. Twenty-one years with them. My heart is blessed.

God is so good. This article made me think of my mom-in-law. Missing you, Dottie!

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/inside-god-box-00000000045743/index.html

Lenten Thoughts - Day 3

Life without television is quiet. I don't think I actually watch tons of television - it just becomes the background noise of the house.

This morning when I woke up, I rolled over and immediately started for the remote. I'm a news junkie.

Lent is a spiritual training ground. Preparation for Easter - the sacrifice that makes life possible. Thoughts are still fresh and emotions swirling as I work to settle down. Move into a season without distractions. Looking for the small voice that sometimes can't be heard through noise.

Coming to Lent after a year filled with life-changing events (some good, some so difficult), I'm looking forward to what the next 37 days will bring.

A favorite line from this morning's blog reading:

"It doesn't matter what you get done if you've undone a heart--there are no real accomplishments apart from relationship."

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/02/4-ways-to-be-a-better-friend/

Lenten Thoughts - Day 2: Falling Away

"Let the things of this world fall away so the soul can fall in love with God. God only comes to fill the empty places and kenosis is necessary – to empty the soul to know the filling of God." Anne Voskamp

I've never observed Lent other than recognizing the 40 days prior to Easter as something that exists. I used to harken from "big church" in a primarily evangelical world and that's how we handled it. Nothing wrong with that. It just was.

In the wee Lutheran church we've been attending for about six months, Lent is more than a topic, it's a practice. A focus on the liturgical calendar has been interesting. Heart-warming. And instead of talking about Lent, I'm participating in it.

I gave up something that I knew would free up some time, put my focus on something other than my own time and something that I would miss after I made it through the week.

Goodbye, television. I made it through Day 1, but I missed it. The winding down of it. The noise of it in the background after my people are asleep. Falling asleep to it. I replaced it with reading, and study and prayer.

Heading into Day 2. Loving this devotional on Lent from one of my favorites. Ann Voskamp.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/02/what-lent-really-means-free-easter-devotional-book-to-make-a-jesus-easter-tree/

Lenten Thoughts - Day 1

Forgiveness as translated in the New Testament = aphiemi, meaning to send forth or away, let go from oneself. Forgiveness is our determined and deliberate willingness to let something go.

"Innumerable strongholds are connected to an unwillingness to forgive. Left untreated, unforgiveness becomes spiritual cancer. Bitterness takes root, and since the root feeds the rest of the tree, every branch of our lives and every fruit ultimately become poisoned. The bottom line is - unforgiveness makes us sick. Always spiritually. Often emotionally. And, surprisingly often, physically." (Beth Moore)

God is not asking us to let "it" go back into the black hole of nonexistence. Forgiveness means letting it go TO God. Letting it go from our power to His.

Lord, Your Word tells me that when I stand praying, if I hold anything against anyone, I am to forgive him or her, so that You, my Father in heaven, may forgive me my sins. (Mark 11:25).

Lessons.

“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.” ― Anne Lamott